Wow, it looks like Burning Spear isn’t even the coolest secret society that we’re gonna talk about this week! 

Why focus on small to intermediate student-centric solutions to improve life on campus when you can marginally increase the name brand of the degree you received fifteen years ago? Right?

For those of us who don’t major in cartography and ~wanderlust~, navigating the halls of some FSU buildings can feel like trying to sail to Asia—you think you’ve got it figured out until you land on a continent that’s already inhabited and deliver mass genocide and Syphilis.

We thought we could do it. We thought we could hide it from you all. But apparently some among you have broken through the concrete façade we have maintained all these years. And now it is time to come clean.

In a rare case of conservatives holding each other accountable last week, the Florida Federation of College Republicans served the FSU chapter with a Notice of Impeachment, following allegations of violations of its Constitution.

As Apocalypse looms on the horizon with the swearing-in of the country’s first Demon-American president, Students for a Democratic Society decided it was time to make their voices heard by staging a walkout on Friday. 

Florida State started off the spring semester with high morale after FSU Film School alumnus Moonlight director Barry Jenkins received a Golden Globe on Sunday, and also after students realized there was no school the following Monday for Martin Luther King Jr. day.

Well, it happened. They finally fired me. Turns out there can only be so much public indecency before people start to get nervous. Luckily, like a graceful exit from American Idol, they are giving me one last song.

Although most at FSU expected nothing new this time of year besides the usual grim finals week and Tallahassee’s inability to pick a climate, students across campus agree something is different in the frosty but somehow still humid Tallahassee air.

Following the game that put an end to a species of self-righteous reptiles, unfortunately excluding lizard overlord Marco Rubio, The University of Florida has ordered a score recount. Despite the fact that over 80,000 people saw them lose in person and millions of people saw them lose via live broadcast, UF is certain the score recount will yield a better result.

In the area of uncultivated and low-lying wet ground that somehow has become its brand, Shrek’s Swamp, like UF, has been lashing out at surrounding areas in the Kingdom of Far Far Away to prove the swamp’s true dominance in all areas, including objectification of women, academic shaming and visually impaired anthropomorphised mice.

This time of year has always been one of great conflict and familial clash, from your cousin Jeremy being passive-aggressive about his veganism while the rest of the family pays pointed attention to their dry turkey pieces, to the infamous FSU-UF football game that always makes your mom regret sitting you next to your UF Alumni Uncle Tim.