After being constantly asked “what are you studying again?” and stuffing their faces with pumpkin pie to keep themselves out of political discourse last week, hundreds of FSU students have banded together to form a weekly therapy group to recover from one holiday break and prepare for the approaching one in just three weeks. Aside from the pressures of finals, a Trump presidency and, worst of all, Uncle Larry’s terrible green bean casserole, students are now realizing that they have to face the music: their families are terrible. Also, the actual music is “Jingle Bell Rock,” coming from an animatronic Tropical Santa that their drunk uncle is singing along with.
“I spent Thanksgiving listening to my mom’s boyfriend preach ‘All Lives Matter’ while my conservative cousin tried using a handgun to carve the turkey,” confided junior Logan Brooker as he meditated on Landis green with 150 of his new closest friends. “Those three days at home were exhausting! There’s no way I’m going home after finals until I’ve completely centered my aura and gotten advice on how to tell my grandmother that ‘politically correct’ is not an insult.”
Although some were lucky enough to return home to their liberal families who know how to properly season a turkey and properly mark a ballot, the students in the group are learning how to recover from fake smiles, forced laughter and celebrating a holiday that immortalizes murderers. Those attending the sessions have the opportunity to exchange stories with their peers while receiving massages, pedicures and ASMR sound therapy featuring President Obama’s victory speeches back to back to relax before developing non-schoolwork related stress hernias during the approaching holiday season.
“I don’t even celebrate Thanksgiving, so that was easy enough. But if my mom keeps telling me to shave my legs every time I come home, I’m excommunicating myself from the family,” explained Niyah Valley as she rubbed stress relief lotion from Bath & Body Works all over her body before passing the bottle along to self-proclaimed Marxist, Cory McCoolsby. “I think these group coping sessions will really help everyone deal with their aunts blaming an overpriced coffee chain for ‘destroying’ a holiday that still dominates American culture, and also remind them that time is a concept, so theoretically their three weeks at home could actually be 10 seconds.”