For those of us who don’t major in cartography and ~wanderlust~, navigating the halls of some FSU buildings can feel like trying to sail to Asia—you think you’ve got it figured out until you land on a continent that’s already inhabited and deliver mass genocide and Syphilis. But what started as the seemingly simple task of attending a class he’s been going to for two months turned into a very sick trip last week, after a student found himself—or lost himself, rather—wandering aimlessly around Diffenbaugh, losing his way upon immediately entering the building.
“Well it all started when I was trying to find my way to the basement. The elevator was broken, so I followed this little white rabbit down the stairs until I got to a water fountain with a ‘Drink Me’ sign posted on it. The fountain was broken, so I ate a stale pretzel that someone had dropped on the floor,” stated freshman Alex InVunderlund, who was using the FSU App to track his location inside of the building until it indicated he was entering a new dimension. “After I entered the toilet-portal in a stall without a fuckin’ door, but instead a curtain reminiscent of a gym bathroom rampant with athlete’s foot, I was transported to a game of croquet going on in a stairwell office between the Queen of Hearts and the Cheshire Cat. She conned me into playing and I missed my test, but I won $15 and a whirly hat. I just felt bad for the grad assistant who was crammed in the corner grading papers while this all happened.”
After finally realizing he had been roped into a paradoxical alternative universe within the confines of four walls, InVunderlund was eventually sent in the right direction with the help of an anthropomorphized caterpillar, who pointed him North with an extremely dope vape tornado. Unfortunately for the freshman, the tornado blew out just in time for him to be sent straight into the arms of a mad hatter, dressed in a $50 suit, Sperrys and a MAGA embroidered red cap. Despite being trapped for what felt like years in an ever-changing labyrinth, InVunderland made it out of the building just in time to order a hot dog before Mom & Pop’s closed for the night.
“Honestly, I don’t know what the big deal is. Diffenbaugh is a walk in the park compared to Bellamy.” claimed the little kid from The Shining who chases people around the Love building, urging them to escape his murderous father. “Sounds like that guy needs some quality time in a REAL maze. Learn some navigation skills. Spend a few months in a fictional hotel with blueprints that make no logistical sense. Yeah, that dude couldn’t last a day in my shoes. Mostly because they’re a child’s size four, but also because he couldn’t tell a compass from his own ass.”