'Advance Is the Best Party for FSU,' Says Candidate From Only Party at FSU

Election day is today, and everyone you’ve been avoiding in between HCB and the Integration Statue is ready to really make a difference by voting for mostly the same group of people to continue the same half-assed policy-making and the same full-assed egocentrism they had already been occupying for years. The Presidential candidate from Advance, Michael Milquetoast,* is excited to start schmoozing with the Board of Trustees, feeling important at meetings throughout the week and paying lip service to very real issues facing the university. Mr. Milquetoast is satisfied with his team and thinks his message will resonate with the corporate overlords who pull his strings, the eight unaffiliated kids who care about SGA and the current members of his political party, or as many members prefer to call it, the Fun Time Kids’ Politics Club.  

“We can’t wait to say how much good we’re gonna do,” Milquetoast exclaimed excitedly, clutching the lock of John Thrasher’s hair in his pocket even tighter. “Among the political parties at FSU, only Advance is ready to align SGA with the strategic plan of the University administration like I know you all were desperate to see. Only Advance is ready to ‘raise the student body’s awareness of SGA initiatives to promote transparency’ which definitely isn’t just us saying we are trying to raise awareness for our transparency awareness campaign, because that would sound very silly and indicate a major failure on the part of our currently governing party to actually be more accountable in SGA. Moving on, only Advance has hard-hitting, concrete policy planks like, ‘Promote appreciation of the fine arts on campus,’ and ‘Create a more commuter friendly campus,’ which are really more vague goals than actual policy solutions intended to achieve our desired end. But trust me when I say this is because we just don’t really understand what a ‘policy solution’ is, and it is not indicative of a tremendous lack of power to get stuff done on our part. We are very important.”

The Advance Party is proud and some close to Advance members claim they are certainly too proud of having at least a few specific, achievable solutions to real FSU problems as part of their platform. Increasing access to feminine hygiene products on campus and forming a syllabus bank to give students more information when choosing a schedule are smart choices; however, it would be much smarter to dismantle the cumbersome procedural and bureaucratic processes that keep students unaware of how to truly engage with their government so more ideas could be heard and enacted. It would also be a great idea to disaffiliate with their dreamcatcher logo, which is both cultural appropriation and falsely representative of the Seminoles, who do not in fact use dreamcatchers. In the past when confronted with the idea of concrete steps toward broader political engagement on campus, members of the Advance Party were reluctant to let just anybody get involved with their precious little bureaucracy. Luckily for them, members of the student body were even more reluctant to deal with the Advance Party or the ball of Red Tape the size of the largest continuous brick structure in the world that is the SGA.

When questioned upon his reason for joining and whether Advance will do anything about increasingly low minority enrollment rates despite including nothing specific about this topic in their platform, sophomore Amir Abdul giggled. “To be honest, I have no idea what SGA does...but turquoise is my favorite color!” He then proceeded to switch out his profile picture to the same poorly designed poster for the 10th time that semester.

*Editor’s Note: Several individuals, including Kyle Hill, have informed us this is actually not the name of the presidential candidate from Advance.

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