As we approach the end of the year and the holiday season, we arrive at the magical time when budgets have been allocated and the FSU administration figures out what to do with surplus sweepings. Unfortunately, this year, 100% of the university’s funding went to an impulse splurge on pogo sticks and moon shoes, so there are no sweepings to speak of. When asked to answer for these purchases, senate leaders and financial officials had just three words for the institution they are supposed to be serving and improving: “TREAT. YO. SELF!”
Although they received just a quarter of the funding they requested, the FSU libraries will stay open 24 hours during finals week. “We can only pay the staff in dry beans and butterscotch candy, but at least we can look outside and see everyone having lots of fun bouncing around on their new pogo sticks and moon shoes,” said library administrator Wanda Wilkins. “It’s like watching Zoboomafoo, except the animals are students trying to distract themselves from the pain of having their money wasted.”
In addition to the new pogo park — to be built on the stadium roof because the school definitely needs more space where only 20% of those eligible will actually hang out — the administration has also moved to add confetti cannons to the Jimbotron. Now, in addition to screaming hundreds of thousands of useless lumens into the endless night, the LED monolith will also shoot out Seminole Boosters’ surplus money in little strips. “My boys will be the first ones to get pogo sticks, so they’ll have a height advantage when jumping to catch the literal scraps that the NCAA allows us to throw to them!” Exclaimed an excited Coach Fisher, lounging in a recliner made of crystal footballs and Fabergé eggs.
It’s okay, though. Grounded students with no moon shoes still got to attend a homecoming pep rally headlined by female comedian Whitney Cummings, who pulls herself up by tearing other women down, and a homecoming concert featuring Chance The Rapper - if they were lucky enough to get tickets before they sold out or privileged enough to buy one for $100 from the “enterprising capitalists” of FSU Craigslist.
Administrators have also put in motion a plan to turn the already poorly funded Anthropology department into an edible candy funhouse in the style of Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory. “We considered the construction of another parking garage, but that’s like, a whole thing?” Said board member Barron Crump from the comfort of his own reserved parking spot. “We’d much rather focus on the candy-house conversion of the College of Anthropology and our grand vision for a life-sized ice sculpture of a parking garage that we can store expensive fish in.”