Well, it happened. They finally fired me. Turns out there can only be so much public indecency before people start to get nervous. Luckily, like a graceful exit from American Idol, they are giving me one last song.
My name is Riley Horan and I have written for The Eggplant for two years now, thus making me as weathered and wise as an Irish grandmother who only communicates through Hail Mary prayer and wooden spoon beatings. Throughout my time at this publication I’ve cultivated a mass of life lessons, and I figure what better way to sign off than to share some of what I’ve learned with you. It’ll be like the ten commandments except the only thing that Moses and I have in common is that we’ve both experienced a burning bush. Let’s get started:
1. Always be on the lookout for a potential scam
Guys, gals and nonbinary pals, this one is no joke. I was fortunate enough to attend the United State of Women White House Summit. It was a glamorously professional event and was to be handled very delicately. Upon entry it became clear that there were beverage merchandisers all throughout the conference hall filled with complimentary drinks, including my only caffeinated beverage of choice: Starbucks Refreshers. There were two ways to approach the situation: 1) be mature, take one, move on. 2) Utilize the free tote they gave you when you walked in, shove 18 cans into your bag on Barry O’s dime and have your caffeine fix for the next two weeks taken care of. Always be on the lookout for a potential hustle.
2. Christmas music is acceptable starting November 1
Don’t agree? Add Andrew Bryant on Facebook tell him why. Thanksgiving is gluttonous and colonizing anyway, let me listen to “Go Tell It On The Mountain” as early as I want.
3. Let your friends edit your nudes
They’ll know what to do. It doesn’t even need to be any fancy teeth whitening airbrush, just throw a filter on it and watch how it changes the world.
4. The only impressive thing about men is their determination in finding creative new ways to disappoint
I have yet to be proven wrong.
5. If you’re a Virgo, don’t try bullet journaling
You won’t do it. You’ll just waste hundreds of dollars on journals that just make you frustrated every time you smudge a line and your mom will be right about everything she’s ever said about you not finishing anything you start. Just don’t do it. It’s not worth it. Anybody interested in some half used journals?
6. Come to the understanding that Republican economic policy is very similar to their performance in bed
They say they’re going to rock everyone’s world but, in the end, they only care about themselves.
7. Love unconditionally
This only applies to dogs. Everyone else deserves whatever twenty-year grudge they have coming their way. If you get tired, I will personally hold onto your grudge for a mere $15/day with interest.
I’ve written terrible articles for this publication, and I’ve written great ones. Each has been an honor and something that, until I get a job, I will be grateful don’t have my name attached to them. Thank you for your time, your patience and your laughs.
- Riley “I’m Only Going to Have One Drink” Horan