Despite the overwhelming student appreciation for its on-campus concert venue, plethora of study rooms and access to $3 frozen margs via Chili’s, the Oglesby Union is facing strict budget cuts. These havens of expression have dealt with the financial strain, but were shocked to find out this week that instead of a new Union complex, FSU plans to build a second football stadium on top of the ashes of the existing Union.
“When I first heard they were building a new stadium I thought, 'wow, they finally got rid of that building in front of Landis with all those books,’ but I guess they're saving that spot for when we reach 10 football stadium-status,” said Jimbo Fisher while drawing a bigger Jimbotron in the schematics of the new stadium, along with a 100-foot bust of his head. “Maybe the second stadium will push the boundaries of sport by being co-ed or by implementing new safeguards for our players or by compensating athletes for their participation. Or maybe it'll be the same but the mascot might be a squirrel wearing a crisp pair of blue dungarees instead of a boring ol’ long-faced horse and some random dude in brown face acting like Johnny Depp in The Lone Ranger.”
Initially, architects did intend to build a new Union complex, based on the feedback of the student population. However, that quickly changed after a dudebro wearing chubbies and a MadSo tank top stumbled half hungover into one of the focus groups and burped out the words “more Doak.” Realizing that they could just copy and paste their last project and still get an A+ from Professor Thrasher, the architects ditched any plans to provide wanted/needed amenities to students and submitted their design titled ‘Football, But Twice,’ which includes an even bigger alumni booster section that students can watch stay half-filled as the sun fries their retinas to a crisp.
“I remember coming through here during my orientation and thinking, ‘Wow I can bowl with some friends, or do some casual arts and crafts.’ But obviously what I really wanted was another one of the largest continuous brick structures in the United States with uncomfortable seating,” said junior Erica Thompson as she painted a miniature version of the crane that will permanently demolish the source of her happiest FSU memories at the soon-to-be-rubble Paint-A-Pot. “I mean sure, I can expose myself to all sorts of art through Club Downunder, the Union Gallery and the SLC. OR, I can have the budgets previously dedicated towards expanding our understanding of the world to be reallocated to bags of flesh wrapped in hard plastic smashing against each other on astroturf while a grown man named Jimbo yells from the sidelines. I want that times two.”