This time of year has always been one of great conflict and familial clash, from your cousin Jeremy being passive-aggressive about his veganism while the rest of the family pays pointed attention to their dry turkey pieces, to the infamous FSU-UF football game that always makes your mom regret sitting you next to your UF Alumni Uncle Tim. Here are some tips for when you find out that the campy “A House Divided” shirt your mom wears is also relevant to your and Uncle Tim’s political beliefs upon seeing his MAGA bumper sticker!
1. Stuff mashed potatoes in your ears so you can’t hear any bigotry.
If you can still hear him, keep stuffing!!
2. Give up your hard-earned seat at the adult table and go sit at the kid’s table, away from Uncle Tim.
Conversely, show off your muscle gains by picking Uncle Tim up, placing him at the kid’s table and keeping your rightful place at the adult table.
3. Build a wall out of asparagus and corn on the cob between you and Uncle Tim.
Make sure you’re on the side that has the Thanksgiving stuffing, though.
4. Use your wish from breaking the turkey’s wishbone to make Clinton President.
Or at least wish for an FSU win or for Uncle Tim to stop being so awful.
5. Roast him like Thanksgiving sweet potatoes!
Not literally! (Maybe literally.)
6. Engage in an actual conversation about his beliefs and why they are harmful.
This is a good starting point to figuring out how to do this calmly.
7. DON’T tell your POC/LGBTQ+ friends about what he said because they already have to deal with that rhetoric on a daily basis and they shouldn’t have to bear more unpaid emotional labour just because you want Good Activist™ brownie points/validation.
Seriously. Just… don’t do it!
8. Wait until he goes to the bathroom and smother his food with salt.
You might be really salty, but not as salty as his green bean casserole!