New Dorm Construction Actually Just Underground Battle Bots Gambling Ring

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Wow, it looks like Burning Spear isn’t even the coolest secret society that we’re gonna talk about this week! Thanks to a disgruntled Jefferson Street BattleBots member uploading a leaked document online, we now know that there’s a newer, sexier and frankly more democratic group on campus: an underground BattleBots gambling ring with real, live earthmovers that operate under the facade of constructing a new dorm.

“Ever since I bought a ten-inch black-and-white TV and mounted it on the wall at eye level to watch BattleBots back in the early 2000’s, that show has been an integral part of my life - especially after the Y2K bug broke into my computer and got all my money stolen out of my bank account,” said President John Thrasher as he happily watched a frowning Joe Biden drop a Crown Royal bag full of half-dollars on the table in front of him. “I know a lot of kids are banking on these dorms to live in next year, but I’m more concerned about how Thrashzilla is going to kick Diamond Joe’s nickel-plated ass into next election cycle.”

Not everyone is thrilled about President Thrasher’s last-minute directive to battle giant robots instead of building the new dorms. “We thought this would be another nine-month project, tops. Instead, we’ve lost four men to spinning blades this month alone and haven’t made any real progress on the interior,” said head construction guy James Spader, yes, relation. “Instead of rooms, we’ve bought a bunch of VR headsets that show POV of earthmovers colliding interspersed with clips of Thrasher laughing maniacally. This is almost a more uncomfortable gig than season 8 of The Office… almost.”

Despite objections from construction workers, students, faculty and most of all his opponents, there’s no end in sight for what is now Thrasher’s new primary form of income. “Thanks to the basement level of the Thrasher Parking Tower of Terror, where I could assemble my fighters in secrecy, I’ve been able to accomplish what I wanted most from my time as President of this wonderful battleground of a University: recreating my own interpretation of a Comedy Central series from the early 2000s.”