EGGSPOSED: Eggplant Writers Outed as Leftists by Elite Team of Facebook Sleuths

We thought we could do it. We thought we could hide it from you all. But apparently some among you have broken through the concrete façade we have maintained all these years. And now it is time to come clean. We, the staff of FSU’s satire publication, The Eggplant, are leftists.

    We know this may come as a surprise to most of you, but we assure you that nothing has changed. We’re still the same, fun-loving, well-mannered kids who get good grades and don’t do drugs. We just like socialism and universal health care instead of the atrocities of free-market capitalism. It doesn’t mean we love you any less; we just want you to accept that this is who we are and who we’ve always been.

    If you’re thinking, “No way! Not them. There’s no way that a mostly female, 18-22 year old staff comprised almost entirely of liberal arts majors could ever subscribe to that Libby Propaganda that says everyone deserves basic human rights,” take a look back. We know we’ve been subtle about it, but if you check closely and carefully, you may notice that throughout the publication’s existence, but especially recently, there have been slight jabs taken at Donald Trump, Republicans, Greek life, hypermasculinity, xenophobia, and misogyny. We’ve been strategic and coy, but we apparently we weren’t sneaky enough.

Over the past few weeks, we’ve seem to have let our emotions get the best of us. In the time since the election of Tyrant-in-Chief Trump, we have been sloppy with our cover-ups, and we know now that it’s too late to turn back. We’ve let too much slip, and people have been putting the pieces together. We’ve seen comments all over our Facebook page from people saying that they “know The Eggplant is liberal” or sarcastically calling us “super cool progressives.” All we have to say is, Congratulations, Columbo - you’ve caught us.

Just to be clear, this is not an apology. And we’re not going to stop. If you think that we’re done “being too political” in a time when a billionaire man-child just received enough power to make Emperor Palpatine vomit, you’re sorely mistaken. We’re not here for your feelings, we’re here to satirize. And if you don’t want to hear us disrespect a man who hasn’t a single bone in his body capable of sympathy, then you can take your discourse fetish somewhere else. Enjoy being blindsided by a “disconnected celebrity” who - SPOILER ALERT - never cared about you anyway.