As Apocalypse looms on the horizon with the swearing-in of the country’s first Demon-American president, Students for a Democratic Society decided it was time to make their voices heard by staging a walkout on Friday. Ever feeling the need to appear superior to the “liberal crybabies,” the College Republicans have announced their own plans for a counter-protest by staying in all of their classes for an extra three hours.
The organizer of the counter-protest, senior Jefferson Knickenbacker Whitmoreshire IV spoke very eloquently in defending his decision. “It's about freedom. Freedom and liberty. They're amazing. They're the greatest. You know it. I know it. Rosa Parks knew it. That’s why she sat. We’re like Rosa Parks.” Whitmoreshire then began choking on his own stupid irony.
Professors and University staff alike are concerned by the implications of so many sedentary assholes. Macroeconomics professor, Dr. Marcia Mondas is especially concerned. “Economics classes are especially full of these conservative douchebags. I can barely handle looking at their stupid faces for 50 minutes, which is why I relish the fact that most of them leave 20 minutes early — extremely loudly — every day. I think I might just leave with SDS.”
Many College Republicans are excited to show the liberals what's what, but are also wary of their own obligations. “I've got three classes back to back today,” reported backwards-hat-wearer Slash McRipstick. “How can I show my devotion to the cause in support of mein Führ — I mean, totally legitimate President-Elect Donald Trump if I can’t stay longer in all of them? I don't want people thinking I've skedaddled off to some safe space like those leftist Commies. I did learn from my physics class though that I can be in, like, a superposition of both classes at once. Man, science is rad. Except when it shows evidence of Climate Change and Earth being spherical, all that crap’s Libby propaganda.”
In preparation for having to forcefully remove several hundred students so as not to disrupt university activity, FSUPD has acquired 1200 copies of The Communist Manifesto, 40 minutes of Hillary Clinton speech audio, and 420L of patchouli oil to be pumped into classrooms from every opening in an effort to smoke out loiterers.