Although most at FSU expected nothing new this time of year besides the usual grim finals week and Tallahassee’s inability to pick a climate, students across campus agree something is different in the frosty but somehow still humid Tallahassee air. Some are calling it a true Christmas miracle, while others are just calling it not getting screwed over by exam week for once! That’s right, Jewish students are rejoicing in the first year they will get to spend their winter holiday with their loved ones instead of eating carefully rationed Easy Macs for five days straight.
“I’m not even bitter about the past three years I’ve had to celebrate my favorite Jewish holiday stressed about if my one day of productivity can live up to the Hanukkah miracle and last me for eight,” senior Becca Klein admitted, frowning at a Christmas tree-shaped door dec that took her RA 45 seconds to make. “I mean, it could have been an honest scheduling mistake on FSU’s part, considering iCalendars don’t have Hanukkah programmed in.” She then proceeded to silence her phone after receiving four notifications that National Pancake Day is coming up.
Klein’s best friend, Grace Painter, says she always tries her best to wish her friend luck each Fall semester because she recognizes her own coincidental luck with never having exams on Christmas. “I try to help Becca out each year by praying to the powerful man up there, son of God himself, Santa Claus, to ask for a better Harmonikkah schedule,” Painter explained. “But not surprisingly, when Santa asks you what you want for Christmas, ‘Jewish Holidays’ are not a common response. He usually just tells me that’s not in stock, but he’ll see if they can try to order it in advance for next year.”
While Painter has the best intentions of Jewish college kids in mind, sophomore conspiracy theorist Bennett Carter has a different opinion. “Yeah I get missing Hakuna Matatakkah for a few years isn’t ideal, but Jews have missed out on Christmas their WHOLE lives. And you know what? So have Christians, ever since Starbucks started putting inclusive bullshit on their cups. She should be grateful that there’s never been a war on Judaism, instead of complaining about missing some holiday about eating honey,” Carter stated before connecting two more pins with red string on a “War on CHRISTmas” bulletin board covered in photos of Mariah Carey, the claymation Rudolph and question marks. “Oops never mind, that’s the New Year holiday that always falls on Midterms week. Darn, I always get my Jewish holidays neglected by the university’s testing schedule mixed up!”