Shrek’s Swamp Also Claims Hotter Girls and Better Academics
In the area of uncultivated and low-lying wet ground that somehow has become its brand, Shrek’s Swamp, like UF, has been lashing out at surrounding areas in the Kingdom of Far Far Away to prove the swamp’s true dominance in all areas, including objectification of women, academic shaming and visually impaired anthropomorphised mice. Ever since Shrek and UF were selected by Lord Farquaad to save the princess in return for their respective swamp ownerships, the two have been on edge trying to protect their fragile trademark of a moist pooling of wet dirt.
“Hey, I’m Shrek and I’m the executive vice presi of this whole damn place,” Shrek uttered, wearing a muscle tee and gesturing at the mud and vomit covered walls. “I’m here to show you around my mansion. We got the sleepiest beauties and the most puss in boots in the world, especially more than Fairytale State Unicorn up north.” He robotically read from cue cards held up by his brother because speaking candidly would be too risky. “This is our study room for our swamp creatures. If you go to study anywhere else, you’ll end up working the drive thru while we’ll be becoming the next CEOs.” he sputtered surrounded by 50 of the hottest perpetually bouncing damsels holding The Swamp’s “Chapter of the Year” Trophy from the same year they were banned for spiking Goldilocks’ porridge.
As stated by S. Mash Mouth, 23-year UF alumnus and current resident of Shrek’s Swamp said, “somebody once told me this hilarious Fairytale State Unicorn joke about how they’re always droolin’ n stuff,” Mouth cackled as he back-stroked through the sludge to get to the outhouse that doubles as his home.
The folks at the Swamp have not made any progress in trying to rescue Princess Fiona, however, because they've spent all their time and money on improving their gnomeball team instead. Despite this, they have still been bragging for four fucking decades about how much better they are at rescuing princesses and that anyone who's good enough at rescuing princesses goes there instead of Fairytale State. Well they can just kiss my Fairytale Donkey-looking ass, cause at least it ain't Swamp ass!