Burt Reynolds Hall to be Renamed Barry Jenkins Hall
Florida State started off the spring semester with high morale after FSU Film School alumnus Moonlight director Barry Jenkins received a Golden Globe on Sunday, and also after students realized there was no school the following Monday for Martin Luther King Jr. day. Students and faculty are elated that Barry Jenkins, plus five other FSU alumni whose names have been Googled and then quickly forgotten, won such a prestigious award. In fact, FSU is so happy to finally have a better alumni-claim-to-fame than Burt Reynolds that the notorious Burt Reynolds Hall apartments will be renamed Barry Jenkins Hall.
“I love Burt Reynolds, don’t get me wrong. His bit with the big hat and Turd Ferguson on ‘Celebrity Jeopardy!’ was hilarious, but its never exactly made me proud to call him an FSU alum,” explained sophomore business major Riley Moran, before she was informed that was an SNL sketch and, in fact, NOT Burt Reynolds. “Oh well, I guess I’m actually not that big of a Burt Reynolds fan after all. Now that I think about it, I don’t know if I’ve seen a single movie he is in. I’m really glad they're changing the name. I haven’t seen Moonlight either, but I do really love the song ‘Classic Man,’ Miami and heart-wrenching stories about growing up gay in America, so fuck Burt Reynolds. DALÉ!”
“Personally, I don’t get the hype. Sure, six FSU alumni worked on the film and yeah, it won five Golden Globes, but the film school is still a scam,” announced Jon Summers, recent film-school-reject looking into backup plans like the Digital Media Production program or just making sure everyone knows that Birdman is shot entirely in steadicam. “There are better alumni out there to name apartments after than them no-good roustabouts of our stupid, overrated film school. Richard Simmons Hall? I think that has a nice ring to it,” said Summers, who totally would have bullied Chiron.
The apartment complex in question is also notoriously full of children running away from bullies, often hiding away in empty units. This coincidence, along with the fact the walls whisper, “You're the only man who ever touched me,” persuaded the property manager and university to tearfully change the name to honor Barry Jenkins, both for his directing accomplishments and for being the only humble FSU Film School graduate.