As a means of escape from daily stresses, FSU students are flocking to Landis Green to get fresh air, see some doggos and watch freshmen take their three-person football game way too seriously. Sophomore anthropology major Austin McGinnin innocently went outside to relax and show off his latest hula-hoop flow routine, but soon became the object of every dog's’ complete infatuation. Although pleasantly surprised at first, McGinnin was soon confronted with reality and left to ruminate over which of his daily unholy act against basic hygiene was causing the attraction of every dog on Landis.
“I absolutely loved the attention and puppy kisses at first,” detailed McGinnin. “But their obsessive affection towards me was almost as suspicious as if I said I wash my underwear instead of just turning them inside-out.” McGinnin reports that the worst part of all of this is that he can’t pinpoint exactly which mildly questionable sanitary habit of his has stepped over the line and created the dog equivalent of Giorgio Armani cologne out of pure body fluids. The student was left to painfully retrieve the long list of disgusting things he’s done since freshman year that he once thought he could get away with, most notably being that time he read that deodorant causes cancer and used that as an excuse to stop wearing it. “This is even worse than that time a girl next to me in class asked me if I worked out-- not to compliment my muscles-- but to retort ‘because you smell like it’,” all so she could get up and move to a different seat next to a guy who actually looked like he worked out. Although distressed, McGinnin remains optimistic about the situation and insists that “On the bright side, if someone tried to kidnap me and chain me in a catacomb, Layla the pug would definitely sniff her way to me to get one final lick on my breeding ground of dirt and sweat.”
A bystander on Landis, Junior Jessica Page scoffed, “He thinks he has it bad? At least he can take a shower and all the evidence of his repulsiveness is gone. Once a month it’s like I constantly have the highest pitched dog whistle stuck in my pussy and it’s using every last bit of hot air it’s got to scream out to every dog within a 10 mile radius.” Page then went on to explain why cattle dogs aren’t needed to herd animals anymore; “Really all you have to do is banish a menstruating woman to the woods where she belongs during that time, and I guarantee every animal will be herded up in a matter of seconds.” She then continued swatting away two corgis and a gaggle of geese, before taking out her firearm to shoot the grizzlies.
As the eventful day on Landis came to an end, FSUPD, lead by their group of elite K-9 police detection dogs, crashed through Landis hall in an attempt to finally bust the biggest ring of cocaine deals in the Tallahassee area. Once again, McGinnin was a target to the canine’s advanced olfactory system, and was suspiciously sniffed until rendering the elite police dogs as merely puppies that yelped and snuggled up against him. FSUPD left defeated, thwarted by just a really stinky college anthropology student, yet again.