BREAKING: President Accused of Sexual Harassment

In a rare case of conservatives holding each other accountable last week, the Florida Federation of College Republicans served the FSU chapter with a Notice of Impeachment, following allegations of violations of its Constitution. The violations range from typical Republican greed in the form of the embezzlement of more than $16,000 by Treasurer Ben Hoades to classic sexual harassment, sexually charged language and the solicitation of sexual favors in exchange for favorable board positions by Chairman James Fletcher Dilmore, all in emulation of their new favorite dicta—we mean, president.

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“The point of literally everything I do is to offend people, so I’m pretty stoked,” said James Fletcher Dilmore, who goes by his full name possibly to avoid anyone mistaking him for a decent human being. “Bringing a racist, sexist, Islamophobic Internet troll to FSU was just my warm-up. This—this is my swan song.”

The allegations against the College Republicans line up eerily with the swearing in of D*n*ld Tr*mp and his cabinet. In fact, it’s almost as if the blatant misallocation of funds and disrespect of women runs rampant in the Republican Party as a whole, trickling down from the highest office in federal government to university students with too much power and access to fitted suits. However, it would appear that the GOP Juniors decided to keep their money issues and their misogyny separate, unlike their daddies in the West Wing, who have opted to kill two birds with one stone by plotting to defund Planned Parenthood and cut funding for the Violence Against Women Act while increasing military spending. Guess these little sluggers haven’t gotten quite that good at oppression yet!

“We don’t keep our money in the bank, I tend to hold onto most of it in cash and spend it when we need to,” said Treasurer Ben Hoades, as he pulled an elephant piggy bank out of his backpack to pay for a Blow Pop from the Trading Post. “You would think that the libbies would love that—eliminating banks! It’s mostly so I’m not held accountable for any spending, but still!” Hoades then began beating on his chest like Jordan Belfort and asked for clarification between ‘checks and balances’ and ‘balancing a checkbook.’

This incident has shaken many of the College Republicans on campus, or at least they’re pretending to be surprised that endorsing an admitted sexual assailant and tax evader for president could potentially normalize this kind of corrupt behavior among their own organization. Other students, especially those left of center on the political spectrum, see this as “the same shit they've been saying for years.” Some are taking it as a potential sign that the GOP still has some grasp of the concept of accountability, and hope that a similar impeachment process may be levied at the national level very soon. More than likely, however, the arc of the moral universe will continue to bend toward the right, which is coincidentally also directly opposite justice. 


* A note from the Editors: To confirm, all of the allegations mentioned in this story are real and have been brought against the FSU College Republicans by the Florida Federation of College Republicans. The documents featured in the article are authentic and have not been manipulated in any way.

* James Fletcher Dilmore's Twitter has since been made private. The tweet referenced in the second paragraph can be found here.