The Eggplant Quarterly Financial Report
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An up-and-coming student-led barbershop quartet is scheduled to make their Landis Green debut on Mar. 28.
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“Hornets just seemed like the better option,” said John Smith, who graciously gave his testimony to The Eggplant staff. He sadly passed away later that day due to his hornet-related injuries.
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If this article were to gain any traction whatsoever, I want it on record that I will turn on everyone who ever supported me immediately.
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“Football is YOUR dream, Dad!” exclaimed FSU quarterback Tommy Castellanos in a recent off season interview.
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Bewilderment spread on FSU’s campus this past Thursday, as an adult grizzly bear was found lost on campus at The Den.
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Church bells rang, confetti flooded down from the sky, and strangers embraced in the street as world leaders announced the deadline extension of the Try Not To Kill Yourself Challenge
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Over the weekend, tragedy struck. When it was discovered that your friend, yes, your friend that you are thinking of right now, was walking freshmen back to their dorms late at night.
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Folk 😂
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Everyone’s favorite Seminole Dining option, Argo Tea, is officially getting a second location on FSU’s campus.
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“Yeah, it’s obviously pretty demeaning,” said the horse. “Aside from how stupid it looks, it’s blatant cultural appropriation. One of my drinking buddies is a reindeer, and I already know he’s gonna give me hell for this.”
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To showcase who actually sucks the hardest, the NCAA has announced a new policy allowing players to enter the transfer portal and successfully transfer schools mid-game.
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“I can’t take it anymore,” said Tyler Bradley, a first-year Finance major. “It’s too hard. I thought I’d be getting straight into stocks and crypto trading.”
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FSU released a statement this morning announcing the start of plans to construct a new and improved union. Starting next week, the current student union will be closed until construction finishes in 2099
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Samson was left abandoned by his family following his visit to Tallahassee, and he’s wandered the Student Union aimlessly since.
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Talloween is once again in full effect and, god, am I pissed off.
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The budget for supplying FSU’s horny student body with protection has been $5,000 for the past ten years. This year, in the name of wrapping it up, the budget has increased to $1M.
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This one's for all the Boners out there. After featuring a variety of big-name performers, FSU’s Club Downunder struck gold yet again when they took to Instagram to announce their latest upcoming musical guest: Styxx Youngbone.
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Despite repeated warnings, Dr. N. Tine, acclaimed pulmonologist and graduate of the Florida State University College of Medicine, has found himself without a medical license. Following the repeated offense of hitting his Geek Bar during critical lung consultation appointments.
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Scandal struck the Tallahassee bar scene this past weekend, when a bartender noticed that one of the patrons was shockingly found to be three freshmen in a trench coat.
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