The Eggplant
Home Student Life Oldies
FSU Tallahassee National
About Disclaimer Meet Our Staff
HomeStudent LifeOldies News FSU Tallahassee National About About Disclaimer Meet Our Staff
The Eggplant
Fish Growing Tired of Hook Culture
Fish Growing Tired of Hook Culture

Many fish have raised concerns regarding how common it’s become for a fish’s ‘bite count’ to be in the double, even triple digits

Read More
The Eggplant FSUFebruary 13, 2026
Local Avoidant Includes “Probably” and “Right Now” in Wedding Vows
Local Avoidant Includes “Probably” and “Right Now” in Wedding Vows

Mrs. Martone was the first to jump to her husband's defense. She did, however, note that he doesn’t really “like” the term “husband”.

Read More
The Eggplant FSUFebruary 12, 2026
Local Farmer to Put Down Limping Son
Local Farmer to Put Down Limping Son

A local farmer has made the tough decision to euthanize his son following a noticeable change in his son’s gait.

Read More
The Eggplant FSUFebruary 6, 2026
Report: Tallahassee Komodo Dragon Population Still Low
Report: Tallahassee Komodo Dragon Population Still Low

A report released by the Tallahassee Komodo Society indicates that through the 2025-26 fiscal year, the population of Komodo dragons in the area remains zero.

Read More
The Eggplant FSUJanuary 21, 2026
How to Keep Trust and Love For Your Long-Distance Obligation
How to Keep Trust and Love For Your Long-Distance Obligation

At The Eggplant, we get it. It’s difficult to maintain the love, trust, passion, and the respect needed to sustain a fulfilling relationship with your long-distance obligation. We’re here to help.

Read More
The Eggplant FSUJanuary 15, 2026
Moms Statewide Beginning to Worry Light Jacket Might Not Be Enough If They Sit Us On The Patio
Moms Statewide Beginning to Worry Light Jacket Might Not Be Enough If They Sit Us On The Patio

The boymom-of-three-adult-sons would soon realize that she had made a fatal mistake. The temperature in Oviedo had dropped to a shocking 62ºF, down from the comfortable 74ºF of last Monday’s Chili’s dinner.

Read More
The Eggplant FSUDecember 18, 2025
Rottweiler Survives Brutal Toddler Attack
Rottweiler Survives Brutal Toddler Attack

Owing his life to the last-minute intervention of local law enforcement, a neighborhood rottweiler finds himself lucky to be alive following a brutal toddler attack.

Read More
The Eggplant FSUDecember 18, 2025
Local Man Makes Poor Choice of T-shirt for DUI Manslaughter Hearing
Local Man Makes Poor Choice of T-shirt for DUI Manslaughter Hearing

Silence fell upon the courtroom Monday as Ned Smith, 48, entered the courtroom facing charges of DUI Manslaughter, wearing a shirt that read ‘I Paused My Game to Be Here’.

Read More
The Eggplant FSUNovember 27, 2025
Gay Little Coffee Shop Playing Country Music For Some Reason
Gay Little Coffee Shop Playing Country Music For Some Reason

“I couldn’t even focus on my Substack post once I heard Morgan Wallen singing about cheating on his pregnant wife and oppressing minorities.”

Read More
The Eggplant FSUNovember 27, 2025
Local Stoner Hospitalized by ‘Afghanistani Joe Rogan Stank Pussy Diamond Omega Kush’ Pre-Roll
Local Stoner Hospitalized by ‘Afghanistani Joe Rogan Stank Pussy Diamond Omega Kush’ Pre-Roll

Anderson, 26, eyed a simple trip to Yodieland but was instead found hunched over a curb in Collegetown. 

Read More
The Eggplant FSUNovember 12, 2025
Florida Man Gives Out Copper Wiring and Perc-30s To Trick-Or-Treaters
Florida Man Gives Out Copper Wiring and Perc-30s To Trick-Or-Treaters

Local parents were distressed last Wednesday when they found bits of copper wiring and assorted pills in their children’s Halloween bags rather than Skittles and Butterfingers

Read More
The Eggplant FSUOctober 29, 2025
‘At Least Things Can’t Get Worse,’ Says Man About to Download Hinge
‘At Least Things Can’t Get Worse,’ Says Man About to Download Hinge

 After months of utter social failure, Florida native Dirk Bagg decided that facing constant humiliation on dating apps would somehow be in his best interest.

Read More
The Eggplant FSUOctober 22, 2025
Inconsiderate Squirrel Refuses to Take Acorns Out of Mouth During Conversation
Inconsiderate Squirrel Refuses to Take Acorns Out of Mouth During Conversation

Woodland creatures have been left appalled and embarrassed after a local squirrel reportedly spent the entirety of a conversation refusing to remove the acorns from his mouth, despite multiple opportunities to do so.

Read More
The Eggplant FSUOctober 21, 2025
HELP ME PLEASE HELP ME I NEED HELP
HELP ME PLEASE HELP ME I NEED HELP

I AM STUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AMAZON RAIN FOREST EVERYTHING IS SO FUCKED RIGHT NOW OH MY GOD PLEASE HELP.

Read More
The Eggplant FSUOctober 20, 2025
Next-Door Neighbor Absolute Fucking Moron
Next-Door Neighbor Absolute Fucking Moron

After moving into a new home, resident Marie Towns was thrilled to introduce herself to her next-door neighbor. That’s when the unthinkable happened — she found he was a complete and total loser.


Read More
The Eggplant FSUOctober 17, 2025
New Restaurant Probably Named ‘Garden & Rosemary’ Or Some Shit Like That
New Restaurant Probably Named ‘Garden & Rosemary’ Or Some Shit Like That

A new restaurant will open later this year, more than likely named some dumb combination of food-y terms like “Thyme & Wood” or “Steak & Iron,” or some shit like that.

Read More
The Eggplant FSUOctober 13, 2025
Person Found Dead at Location
Person Found Dead at Location

“All we can confirm for certain is that the victim died from a certain cause at a certain time”

Read More
The Eggplant FSUJuly 1, 2025
City of Tallahassee Calls Meeting for “Fried Chicken Reform”: A Vote to Limit the Opening of New Establishments in an Oversaturated Market
City of Tallahassee Calls Meeting for “Fried Chicken Reform”: A Vote to Limit the Opening of New Establishments in an Oversaturated Market

Tallahassee’s fried chicken market is on the brink of collapse, with an alarming 83 chicken restaurants currently packed in a 10-mile radius.

Read More
The Eggplant FSUFebruary 18, 2025
Local Business Of 30 Years Closes Doors Because They’re Closing For The Night
Local Business Of 30 Years Closes Doors Because They’re Closing For The Night

With core values like “Food with Integrity” and “Yeah, Give Him the Brown Lettuce,” Chipotle established itself as a restaurant that could be depended on.

Read More
The Eggplant FSUNovember 21, 2024
New Report Reveals: 16% of Deaths in Leon County Occur in Costco Parking Lot
New Report Reveals: 16% of Deaths in Leon County Occur in Costco Parking Lot

In this dog-eat-dog world, “survival of the fittest” seems to be the unwritten law of the land.

Read More
The Eggplant FSUNovember 13, 2024
Older

Powered by Squarespace