Eppes Statue Cancels Golden Tribe Lecture Attendance After Calling Marc Lamont Hill “All Talk”

As if notorious Florida State statue Francis Eppes needed any more controversy this academic year, the university’s PR team announced today that Eppes will not be attending Marc Lamont Hill’s lecture Tuesday night in Ruby Diamond Auditorium. The announcement comes after Eppes’ comments that Hill is “all talk, talk, talk - no action.”

“I’m a goddamn statue and even I have taken more action than Marc Lamont Hill,” said the Eppes statue, polishing his own bronze head with a confederate flag. “Maybe he should spend more time figuring out why he’d rather have four years of my boy Donny than the nasty woman with all the elite celeb friends. Sad!”

Hill’s supporters have pointed out the blatant falseness of Eppes’ statements, noting Hill’s work with black and Latinx youth, literacy projects and political involvement with drug reform. “I’m just surprised that Eppes felt compelled to come back to life just to continue being racist,” said sophomore Ana Jackson, who has to see the statue on her way to class and be reminded of the honoree’s own “action” every day. “I feel like we have enough people on this campus already doing a great job of carrying out that part of his legacy.”

Some think that the situation has been blown out of proportion. “It’s because of a scheduling conflict, everyone knows that.” said Eppes defender and all-around jackass Michael Pimserly. “He’s a busy statue. He’s got stuff to do. Everyone thinks he’s racist just ‘cause he owned slaves and now won’t attend some guy’s speech. You all are just overreacting, it’s honestly pretty uncool and it’s not what the statue of Martin Luther King Jr. would want...and during the weekend dedicated to him. Sad!”

When asked for his thoughts on the controversy, the Integration Statues said the comments were unacceptable, but attributed them to stress. “It’s gotta be hard for him, what with Martin Luther King Jr. Day today and Black History Month coming up soon,” said the statue of Maxwell Courtney, the first black graduate of Florida State. “Must be wild to know that you sold all of your land to protect the institution of slavery and now the United States has 28 whole days and some elective classes dedicated to celebrating black history! That’s gotta hurt.”