UF to Order a Score Recount After Saturday’s Loss
Following the game that put an end to a species of self-righteous reptiles, unfortunately excluding lizard overlord Marco Rubio, The University of Florida has ordered a score recount. Despite the fact that over 80,000 people saw them lose in person and millions of people saw them lose via live broadcast, UF is certain the score recount will yield a better result.
“It's simple math...and let me tell you here at UF we are totally good at math. Even though all the referees and official representatives of the National Collegiate Athletic Association have established that we lost, I think this recount will show everyone that it was actually FSU that lost,” said UF coach Jim McElwain as he highlighted entire pages from Jill Stein’s autobiography. “I know that people are going to keep pointing out that it is a fact that the football crossed into the touchdown territory more time in favor of FSU than UF, but to that I say one word: score recount.”
The NCAA has expressed concern over the results of Saturday nights game, as they are aware many people are reasonable upset over the results. Still, the organization maintains their stance of giving the victory to the team that garners the most points, rather than the team that delusionally claims to be the Harvard of the South while also claiming to be The Swamp. Which, like, ew swamps are really gross and also Vanderbilt is objectively the Harvard of the South.
“I don't have time for any of this ‘UF won’ bullshit. FSU won, fair and straight. If anyone comes here taking our win and our footballs away, it'll just go to prove that the NCAA does rig this thing,” yelled Tallahassee resident, avid FSU fan and Gary Johnson supporter Whalty Whilter. “FSU is an institution that always follows the rules when it comes to football, so when some team starts asking a few questions it's warranted to get extra spicy.”