Barry Jenkins to Perform What Would Have Been His Fucking Acceptance Speech at Golden Tribe Lecture

After weeks of strenuous negotiating and sacrificing jazz musicians to the Gods of Cinema, the Golden Tribe Lecture Series teamed up with the SLC and College of Motion Picture Arts to book an evening with “Moonlight” director and sweet, sweet baby angel Barry Jenkins. The event will include a screening of the Oscar award-winning movie, followed by a discussion with Jenkins himself and a rumored performance of what would’ve been his fucking acceptance speech for Best Picture. After being robbed of his spotlight due to a mix-up during the presentation of the BIGGEST AWARD OF THE YEAR, Jenkins plans on producing his humble scroll of thank yous to present during his time on the Ruby Diamond stage, uninterrupted by the cast and crew of Shma Shma Shmand.

“At first I was hoping to see Barry fisticuff Damien Chazelle to the sound of ‘The Fools Who Dream’, but when I found out he would be reciting the acceptance speech he prepared, I cried in the bathtub for 3 hours,” admitted freshman film school hopeful Jorge Ramirez, full of pride and naivety at the soul crushing loss he will experience when he inevitably gets rejected from the program. “Watching producers physically pry the Oscars statues out of those tap dancers hands during the award show was almost erotic, but seeing such a substantial and socially important film finally win and immediately watching the man behind it all get Gretchen Wiener-ed was a massive boner-killer.”

With the least problematic FSU alumni in history returning to his alma mater, students were quick to sell out the event for a chance to ask Jenkins if Trevante Rhodes’ smile is as gentle in person as it seems on screen. Those unable to get tickets included students who were late to the box office release and all “La La Land” apologists who give lackadaisical kudos to “Moonlight” but won’t admit that representation of different colors in the industry should extend far past red, yellow and blue. 

“It’s not about love! The point of the movie clearly went over your head if you think the romance was the most important plot line!” Claimed some 20-year-old who watched “Pulp Fiction” once and suddenly knew jack shit about cinema. “I’ve seen musicals before, but La La Land is soOoOoOoOo much more than that. The characters are soOoOoOoOo complex and the score is soOoOoOoOo moving. It just, like, feels like a classic already. Also, I would rather eat Bran Flakes than Cinnamon Toast Crunch.” After being unable to identify the actual importance of Blah Blah Bland, said 20-year-old was rejected for a ticket to see Jenkins’ acceptance speech, via Twitter DM, by Jenkins himself, who has also banned any mention of Ryan Gosling and the word “cummies” during his big moment on stage.