FSU Yoga Club recently took a retreat to a sunny lakeside to realign their chakras and talk about their gluten intolerances. Following a hypnotizing downward dog pose on the first day, it is reported that Yoga Club president Rainbow McWind unconsciously got up and guzzled down the club’s entire food supply of 15 bottles of essential oil mat spray.

TALLAHASSEE -- FSU Senior Rachel Downing has been hunting for a summer internship for a few months now. After failing an Introduction to Poetry class last semester, Downing kicked their search into high gear with graduation in sight.

As spring break comes to an end and grocery stores everywhere begin restocking Pedialyte for actual children to drink, friends have begun to brace for the inevitable verbal brag-fest from their most annoying friend. One of these individuals is Hunter Stills, who after spending the week on the Planet X15-Z, has not been able to talk about anything else.

While some swear they’ve seen professors outside the classroom, others are well aware this myth has been debunked time and time again. Hardworking freshman and exploratory major, Deanna Jefferson, confirmed the truth of professors having no life outside of academia when she pulled an all-nighter in Stroz to study for her 5 question reading quiz in Intro to Ballet.

It all started during my last semester at FSU as an English major. I had just left a lecture on how memes are the future when I passed the College of Business.

She had plans to light 14 candles around her bath, pour herself a big girl glass of Franzia and read Rupi Kaur until she couldn’t remember her ex’s name.

After years of admiring her friend’s meaningful Bible quote across her ribcage and the slightly less meaningful “DO NOT ENTER” inked across her buttcheeks, sophomore Madison Silverman decided to disappoint her parents for real this time and finally get the tattoo she has always wanted.

No one expected Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch to strangle the life out of a man with his bare hands outside the Blue Man Group concert last week. No one, that is, except the cursed Bob Marley flag I bought freshman year at Market Wednesday.

After wasting multiple semesters’ financial aid refunds on penis enlargement pills and hand-shrinking potions, local disappointment and all-around shitstain Joseph Foster  finally has something that is truly “too big to fit.”

As Facebook, Instagram and Twitter flooded with ‘Obligatory First Day Photo :P’ posts on Monday, students all across campus were slow in returning to their regularly scheduled programming after a nice, relaxing Winter Break, not including that awkward encounter with your new step-dad.