After years of admiring her friend’s meaningful Bible quote across her ribcage and the slightly less meaningful “DO NOT ENTER” inked across her buttcheeks, sophomore Madison Silverman decided to disappoint her parents for real this time and finally get the tattoo she has always wanted. Silverman, overwhelmed with her Pinterest dream coming to life, took to Instagram with an overly cropped photo of her new ink job, leaving everyone confused as to exactly which part of the body she got tatted on.
“I’m so proud of Madison for finally doing it! I’m so glad she got those two beautiful flowers tattooed on her, uh...” Silverman’s friend Carla Waxton trailed off as she scrutinized Silverman’s Instagram post, strategically cropped to give no bodily context whatsoever. “It would be uncharacteristic for Madison to show off her bare butt like that online, but then again, if it was just her shoulder, why is it cropped so damn suspiciously?” Waxton wondered, rotating her phone to figure out where that mysterious crevice was and what that rounded edge belonged to.
The more Waxton searched for an answer, the more limitless the possibilities seemed to be. She eventually reached out to her Criminal Mind’s fan fiction-writing roommate, Sandra Lynch, to crack the code. Detective Lynch performed a thorough investigation, studying all aspects of shadow, angle and perception present in the photograph. After hours in the lab, Lynch sighed defeatedly, saying, “I don’t know if she cropped it that way because she simply wanted to show a closer view of the tattoo, or if her vagina is only a centimeter away from the purple flower. I just don’t know.” After concluding that this case was far too advanced for modern day research and equipment, Detective Lynch decided to give up her passion for detective work, and that she’s really more of a Grey’s Anatomy type of girl anyway.
Upon hearing about the controversy her new tattoo caused, Silverman has reported that the ambiguity of it all is actually the beauty and meaning behind the tattoo, “I believe art should be open to interpretation,” sung Silverman as she sent a zoomed in photo of the crease from her bent elbow in reply to a text asking for nudes. “Shoulder, butt, hip or knee; the body is an illusion anyway so why should it matter?” she explained further, Instagramming a zoomed in photo of a waffle with the caption “So proud of my progress! #fitspo #abs.” Due to Silverman’s refusal to provide a straight answer, the student body has become divided. One side is team “shoulder tattoo,” while the other half is team “hip tattoo.” Although no one knows exactly the right answer, the White House has issued a statement asserting that Silverman doesn’t have an ink piece at all, and that the image is actually of Nancy Pelosi’s forehead.