As one student was rear-ended in the parking lot by some guy who thinks he’s Mario frickin’ Andretti, Publix shoppers on Tuesday simultaneously dropped their BOGO Bagel Thins out of horror at an even more disturbing scene inside. Bystanders looked on in disbelief as a college student reached into his denim shirt pocket and pulled out his own middle finger, directing it at a very smol baby, who had been staring at him for, like, 45 seconds straight.
“Take a picture, it’ll last longer! DWEEB!” Shouted junior psych major Bennett Montgomery, before he pretended to blow air into his thumb like a balloon to inflate his finger again. “What do I look like, a jar of mushed peas?! This’ll teach you object permanence, you fragile snowflake! Piaget was right about you!” He then grabbed a bag of Pizza Rolls and completed a self-checkout, only to realize the baby was laughing at him, thinking his outburst was just a game of peek-a-boo.
Enamored by the entire scene, shoppers storewide promptly asked Siri who Piaget was, but became easily bored of the results and reverted to using the term “Freudian slip” out of context. While many witnesses sympathized with the infant victim of the obscene gesture, some other, less morally-aligned shoppers asked the mother where her child’s manners were, reminding her that “It’s rude to stare” and “Maybe that liberal crybaby wouldn’t get flicked off if it had a JOB like ME! I don’t have time to get flicked off! Suck it up, kid!”
“I thought the middle finger was aimed at me initially. I just figured that guy saw me slurp deli tomato soup directly out of the ladle before putting it back in the pot,” confessed Tonya Herron, the mother of that jobless little freeloader. “Honestly, he probably deserved the bird from that guy. My kid has a serious staring problem. He’s a Scorpio cusp/Gemini rising so I should know better than to let my guard down. But I couldn’t be bothered to stop him; I was trying to decide between the $3.98 and the $4.01 pineapple bowl.” Herron then got back to classically conditioning her kid to say his first words: “BITE THE FIST THAT GAGS YOU!”