Jeepers! Allegedly Normal Couple Caught Speaking In Baby Voices On Landis

Sophomores Tyler Burrows and Jessica Cassel, or as they beg their friends to call them, Tessica, shocked friends and family on Wednesday afternoon with a public display of affection that would make that couple from The Notebook barter for reincarnation just so they could die again. The two were caught engaging in high-pitched gibberish next to Landis fountain. The encounter happened as the couple sat with their feet dangling in the bubbly, beetle-corpse infested fountain water between classes, as they intentionally scheduled their breaks to coincide this semester.

“It started out with us calling each other our little ooga-boogas!” Tessica said in unison then paused to violently make out with each other for approximately three minutes. Finally, Tyler pulled away, revealing their matching Twenty One Pilots T-shirts and continued, “But now I like to call her things like my wittle precious angel poopy face.”

Jessica chimed in adding, “And I love to call him my Mr. Handsome Man-some!” while pursing her lips and squinting her eyes with an uncomfortable amount of force, “Sure, a lot of our friends have started to distance themselves from us, but I can’t help it if everyone is jealous of our storybook romance. Our love story would have William Shakespeare trembling in his stockings.”

“It was truly horrifying to see, especially in public,” stated the couple’s close friend Monica Sharpe, before rejecting an Instagram follow request from an account called ‘tessica_4_eva’ and unfriending them both on Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn. “They started out so normal, so innocent. They met freshman year at Tabu when Tyler snuck up behind Jessica during ‘Low’ by Flo Rida and started grinding on her. Everything changed three weeks later when they dropped acid together at Coliseum and became, like, ‘emotionally bonded.’” 

Upon noticing Sharpe on the day of the incident, the couple stopped and attempted to act like nothing had happened, hoping that the sounds of the fountain had drowned out their rapturous gurgling; however, it soon became clear that Sharpe heard every incoherent word as well as every normal word just with a ‘w’ added before it. Later that afternoon, Sharpe contacted Tessica’s parents to inform them of the dreadful acts that the couple committed on Landis in the presence of innocent children, puppies and libertarians playing frisbee. The parents of Tyler and Jessica declined to comment, so it remains unclear whether any sort of intervention will take place before the situation escalates and the couple adopts an exotic shorthair cat, names it Brendan Purrie then tries to give it away on FSU Free and For Sale three weeks later.

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