Thirsty Thursday took a wild but somehow unsurprising turn this week when area senior Haidi Khan downed a seventh tequila shot and clambered her way onto the Recess bar. Bystanders rolled their eyes, assuming Khan was just looking for attention. However, after taking her top off and receiving the crucial 41st “fuck yeah” from an anonymous bar patron, Khan began an eloquent opening statement opposing the Supreme Court confirmation of Neil Gorsuch.
“Tequila always makes me a little wild. That same night, I threw up in the parking lot of a Taco Bell and attempted to oppose our government’s advances toward chauvinistic isolationism,” stated Khan as she set down a bowl of organic almond milk for a kitten that she had just saved from a burning building. “Anyways, I have to head out. I volunteer at the sorority house down the street helping privileged white women understand the importance of intersectionality.”
“We’re prepared to use the nuclear option,” stated alpha male Connor Archibald while aggressively masturbating to the Infowars Special Reports page. “If that crazy bitch tries to go through with the flabblecuster at the next Thirsty Thursday, me and my buddies are all going to whip our dicks out and yell racial slurs that we found on the Internet, which admittedly isn’t that different from what we normally do.”
Many of her critics have pointed out that Khan cannot block Gorsuch’s confirmation, as she is not, in any sense of the term, a member of the United States Senate. However, at the very least, Khan has brought attention to an issue that Recess bar patrons would have normally skimmed over in their morning scrolls through Yahoo! News. Furthermore, she has proven herself to be the least problematic human being to ever take multiple shots Jose Cuervo.
Image Source: http://blog.sprintax.com/fraternities-and-sororities-in-the-us/