As Facebook, Instagram and Twitter flooded with ‘Obligatory First Day Photo :P’ posts on Monday, students all across campus were slow in returning to their regularly scheduled programming after a nice, relaxing Winter Break, not including that awkward encounter with your new step-dad. Pictures of family vacations and peaceful waterfronts now serve as reminders of those few weeks filled with hope for a successful Spring semester, but only until January 20th, when the seventh layer of Hell will be unlocked to usher in the apocalypse.
“Yeah Winter Break was tight. I hung out on the beach, saw some old friends and even tried one of those art spots where you drink wine while you paint on a canvas” stated junior Lloyd Middleton, as he subtly posed next to the mediocre sunset painting on his bedroom wall. “Overall it was pretty chill, except for the pestering echo of indifference and prejudice in my friend Daniel’s voice telling me to ‘give Trump a chance’ and ‘respect the fact that he won’ playing on repeat in my mind.”
In an attempt to ruin whatever sanctuary Middleton could find in his own head from his family over the holiday season, conservative/shitty friend Daniel Dwyer told Middleton just before leaving for break to “think about what Trump might offer as a President” and to “dry his liberal tears and realize that Trump is the new czar of our country, and deserves respect”. Immediately after the exchange, Dwyer slapped Middleton across the face and tagged him in a Milo Yiannapolous Facebook rant, adding insult to injury.
“I don’t think it’s unreasonable” said Dwyer, as he Googled the meaning of a ‘golden shower.’ “The man WON! Fair and square under extremely shady circumstances due to an outdated system that gives isolated parts of rural America more determination than the rest of the actual populace. Case closed. Myth Busted. He’s OUR president now! We have to show him that we support his decisions, even if those decisions include employing racists, befriending fascists and ignoring First Amendment rights to freedom of the press. Plus, I was never a fan of Obama.” Dwyer wiped a booger on his shirt before continuing, “I’m glad to see Barack go. Can you say ‘NOT MY PRESIDENT!’?”