Landlord Unconcerned with Hidden Bong, Just Using You as Bridge Back to Youth

With students returning to campus after spring break, many landlords are being called in to remove dead lizard colonies and bricks of black mold that accumulated at the same rate as liver disease. One property manager, Greg Jones, suffered a different kind of break - a heartbreak - when his wife left him, taking everything but his Rush records and his Dale Earnhardt Jr. sunglasses. A shattered Greg spent all week in his underwear catching up on True Blood, until his tenants called him to come fix their clogged toilet. They were very rude on the phone, but Greg was too lonely to take offense.

“I didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of Graiden and the boys, so I put on the Napoleon Dynamite shirt my son made me in 2004 to show ‘em I’m still hashtag fresh,” said Greg while looking into the mirror, flexing and reminding himself he’s still got the groove. “This is my chance to get back into the party boy scene.”  

“When we opened the door he did the whip which was tight, but then he held his fist out and waited for one of us to ‘dap’ it,” said Graiden Miller, pulling out the stolen credit cards he’d stuffed into his pants when Greg knocked. “He was sweating a lot and his fist was damp and shaky.”

When Greg entered the living room, he pointed at the entertainment center. “That a Nintendo?” He asked, walking past a coffee table covered in PCP and a gravity bong to get to the Wii. “Can I get a bowl?” said Greg, strapping a Wiimote to his wrist. “Oh, no, we only use that for samples in our noise band,” said Teremy. Disappointed, Greg walked past Graiden’s room on his way to the bathroom. He ignored the guns lining the wall and asked him about his posters instead. Graiden spent four minutes trying to explain Hatsune Miku to Greg. “Cool!” said Greg, feeling utterly baffled but increasingly youthful.

After Greg had acquired enough information about “finstagrams” from Graiden, he finally fixed their clogged toilet and said, “Just stop flushing condoms and stolen passports down the drain, laugh out loud, y’all are the GOAT! Bye, fam! Snap me!” and left. Greg got in his car and drove away, feeling invigorated. Even though he had read online that he should wait at least three days before texting the tenants, he jumped the gun and sent a quick ‘What is up, brothers? What are your plans for Friday, March 24, 2017?’ text to the tenants. Unfortunately, the tenants treated newly single Greg just like his ex-wife and left him on read.


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