STEM Major’s Hands Too Clammy to Unlock Phone

Moments before the commencement of Statistical Neuroscience 4233, FSU sophomore Anthony Sinclair struggled to unlock his iPhone with his fingerprint, as his palms were covered in cold sweat. Sinclair was hoping to spend the five minutes before class pretending to be engrossed in the handheld device, so as to avoid any human connection with the other students sitting around him.

“I mean it’s not like I have time to be texting anyway. I’m taking twenty-three credit hours and I only average about three hours of sleep a night. Plus, I spend about seventeen hours a week in Dr. Anderson’s lab, where I research bacterial microcosms and the physics behind sucking my own dick, but that’s just a side project . It will all be worth it soon because I’m basically guaranteed to get a job starting at six figures the literal second I graduate,” stated Sinclair, while simultaneously snorting three lines of instant coffee off of his TI-81 calculator. “Anyway, I have to go because I need to work on my honors thesis and kick three humanities majors in the face before sundown.”

“It’s honestly really hard to do my job when his thumbprint is constantly coated in a pool of icy perspiration,” said Sinclair’s iPhone, who paused here to quickly update the CIA on Sinclair’s whereabouts and recent attempt at ordering pot brownies off the Deep Web. “The crazy thing is that it was 63 degrees that day. There was no reason for his hands to be that sweaty. He started to press my home button pretty aggressively when I couldn’t confirm his identity, which, admittedly, was arousing at first, but after a while it became annoying, especially because the only notification he had was a snapchat from his mom.”

Sinclair was eventually able to open his iPhone by manually entering the passcode after several failed fingerprint attempts. Unfortunately, by the time his phone unlocked, he only had about a minute before the start of class, which is usually when he exhales a sigh of exasperation so as to indicate to the other STEM majors around him that he is, in fact, more stressed than any of them. Once he had asserted his dominance as Alpha Carbon Male, he decided to get a little risky and check the snapchat notification from his mom while his professor began reviewing addition and subtraction. Sinclair’s heart broke when he realized it was the video of the family cat that she had also put on her story.

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