While some swear they’ve seen professors outside the classroom, others are well aware this myth has been debunked time and time again. Hardworking freshman and exploratory major, Deanna Jefferson, confirmed the truth of professors having no life outside of academia when she pulled an all-nighter in Stroz to study for her 5 question reading quiz in Intro to Ballet. Just as she was getting to the point of complete exhaustion from pictures of pink slippers with French words, she spotted all of her professors congregating in study room 107K starting to lay out their sleeping bags for the night.
Jefferson completely blew her friends out of the water during their competition to see who had the most schoolwork last night when she boasted, “I was up so late in Strozier, I saw Professor Neal put in his night guard and curl up next to the Smart Board.” Jefferson added, “In 106G all the poetry professors were playing ‘never have I ever’ in matching feety pajamas with popcorn and a scary movie. They were being so loud, the receptionist stormed over like three times to remind them he had to be up early the next morning to work at his trundle bed-desk.”
Taking note of which professors wet the bed and fart in their sleep, students throughout the entire library snuck around the basement quiet zone to see who they could blackmail into raising their grade. Threatening to leave really shitty reviews on Rate My Professor, freshmen were the first to boost ENC1101 grades after forgetting to turn in a critical analysis of As I Lay Dying last Thursday, leaving evidence of the business deal on the “Class of 2020” Facebook page.
“It’s true, we don’t have time to go home,” stated world religions professor Dr. Milner on the floor of the fourth floor study room tucking his two kids into their sleeping bags. “I usually read these guys a bedtime story from the rack of banned books I checkout from the first floor, fill them a nice warm glass of yellow filter status water, and then tell these little rascals to hit the hay. But those receptionists have really been cracking down on those of us who take advantage of the silence between these thousands of books that haven’t been touched in years,” he added. Milner and other professors were then promptly thrown out of the building by the statue of Robert Manning Strozier who had come to life, and their sleeping bags were disposed of in a fire pile where the SAE house once stood.