Cursed Bob Marley Flag I Bought at Market Wednesday Predicted All This Shit and More

To say that these last 2 weeks have been politically tumultuous would be a gross understatement. No one thought Trump would really win the presidency. No one thought he would actually institute his asinine immigration ban. No one expected Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch to strangle the life out of a man with his bare hands outside the Blue Man Group concert last week. No one, that is, except the cursed Bob Marley flag I bought freshman year at Market Wednesday.

It was the fall semester of 2013 and I had just driven back from a 3 Doors Down concert. I was quite high on w**d and feeling very isolated and afraid until I locked eyes with a Bob Marley flag hanging from a vendor’s tent. It had glowing red eyes and I felt lured in by an obscure energy, which I know now to be the ancient power of a potent curse. A voice exploded into my mind. “YOU, WITH THE TIGHT ASS CARGO SHORTS. 3 DOORS DOWN WILL BETRAY YOU. YOU MUST PURCHASE ME AND HANG ME IN YOUR CHAMBERS FOR PROTECTION.” I seemingly lost control of my body until I was standing in my dorm where I’d just hung the flag on my wall.

At first the flag and I had a great relationship. It would tell me things like, “YOU’LL FIND 20 DOLLARS BY THE SLC BUT NO REPRIEVE FROM YOUR MORTAL COIL,” which was pretty cool. Then while my suitemate was watching clips from the Celebrity Apprentice the flag called out, “DONALD J TRUMP WILL BECOME THE RULER OF THE FREE WORLD AND EAT SWEATY HAM ROLL UPS OFF A MARBLE WHITE HOUSE TOILET SEAT WHEN NO ONE IS LOOKING.” I am the only one who can hear the poster and this vision made me laugh at the time, but in retrospect I should have taken it more seriously.

By the time I moved off campus, I’d grown into less of a shithead and I was ready to not be that dude with a Bob Marley flag anymore, especially not one as heavily cursed as mine. When I tried to throw the flag into the dumpster, it spoke to me: “CAST ME FROM YOUR WALL AND I WILL TELL YOU HOW YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE WILL DIE.” This dark ultimatum deterred me from getting rid of it so now when I have people over and they see it on my wall I just have to laugh nervously and say it’s ironic or whatever. I cannot communicate with the flag, it is a one way channel. I cannot share exactly what it tells me because the ancient power of the flag told me it would eat my lips in the night if I divulged its prophecies before they came true. What I can say is its vision of 2017 is dark but claims the actions of individual citizens will be critical to the welfare of the people - fucking duh, Bobbo.