If Nicole Kidman Doesn’t Win An Emmy For Big Little Lies, I Will Torch Microsoft Theater

Listen up you moist banana nut muffins,

Brew yourself a nice cup of Tazo Zen tea, which a certain knockout actress who also practices Transcendental Meditation would probably love, because I’m about to delve into a highly controversial topic. I am, of course, talking about Nicole Kidman obliterating every white, male critic *cough* Mike Hale *cough* in her role as Celeste in “Big Little Lies” and, more specifically, why I’m willing to serve 5-10 years and pay a $100,000 fine for felony arson if she doesn’t win an Emmy. Of course, Reese Witherspoon, Shailene Woodley, Zoe Kravitz, Laura Dern and every other woman on that brilliant cast stole my got damn wig as well, but I don’t have to tell you that because you understand that praising one woman’s success does not inherently criticize the other women around her.  

Kidman has repeatedly proven herself to critics over the course of her nearly thirty-year career. She was called a “revelation” after her role in “Dead Calm”, a term implying that she was an undiscovered talent prior to the role, which makes sense as this was her first major movie. She was again called a revelation for her iconic role as a psychopath in “To Die For”, then again for “The Blue Room” and then AGAIN for “Moulin Rouge,” a role for which she BROKE HER HECKING RIBS in dress rehearsal. GODDAMMIT, MIKE HALE! The woman sang and danced the cancan, what more do you want? Do I need to torch an entire theater AND the home of some guy that gives his unwarranted opinion on women in Hollywood? Anyways, I just think it’s funny how Kidman was again called a “revelation” for her most recent role in “Big Little Lies,” after she has already won an Oscar and a Golden Globe for Best Actress. Honestly, I’m cracking up! A woman repeatedly having to prove herself? What a concept.

Kidman’s character in “Big Little Lies” is arguably her most iconic role to date, as she portrays an ambitious, intelligent woman who struggles with an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. Miss Celeste was a force of nature, and what she did to her husband’s wee-wee is nothing compared to whAT I WILL DO TO THE MICROSOFT THEATER!!! Also, Alexander Skarsgard, retire bitch.

So obviously, it has come to this: If Nicole Kidman does not win an Emmy for her role in “Big Little Lies” (which would put her halfway to an EGOT. Nicole, please, if you would just grace us with your presence in the Broadway production of “Moulin Rouge”... are you getting my letters?) I will absolutely torch the Microsoft Theater, where the Emmy’s are held. I will sit back and cackle as I watch the historic building burn. I will scream, “Revenge is mine,” at Midwestern Tourists, as the flames illuminate my face.

Sincerely,

Someone who is definitely not displacing their frustration with the current political climate onto Nicole Kidman’s career

Image Source: http://showbizexpress.com/nicole-kidman-roasted-on-social-media-for-strange-clapping