Sophomore Can't Wait for Another Day of Nervous Facebook Scrolling

Each morning as the sun rises, journalists eager to have their turn at doing God’s work type up articles condemning the atrocities being propagated by President Steve Ban- we mean, Donald Trump. These articles are then shared by unpaid social media interns and quickly make their way into our Facebook feeds. One sophomore, Tommy Scobelli, is eager every single day to sweat over the nightmare that lives in Washington, D.C.

“Yesterday when Betsy DeVos was confirmed partly due to being Marco Rude-io’s sugar momma, I could hear drops of sweat fall from his brow shortly before he liked The New Yorker article I shared,” said Scobelli’s roommate Enrique Williams as he ferociously scrolled through The Nation’s Twitter feed. “Although I also have a passionate, inert desire to feel like a soggy crab rangoon each day by reading over the news through social media, my reaction is less towards the nervous side and more towards the side of, ‘Oh wow, I’ve smashed my phone on the pavement again cursing the sweeping wave of fascism spreading on our tiny, little planet. Silly me!’”

Scobelli, who has all social media apps in a folder labeled “T H E  V O I D,” hasn’t been this nervous about something since less than 24 hours ago when he woke up to realize Trump signed an executive order to change every federal holiday to Trumpday, where all public officials have to read out his tweets from street corners until their hands shrink three sizes. His professors have noted that his behavior has changed over the last month, as instead of laughing to himself while browsing his phone he now whimpers while continuing to scroll. Facebook headquarters have also noted a spike in the genuine use of the angry and crying reaction faces, as opposed to the ironic way meme-lovers tend to use them.

“Every time I talk to my parents, they tell me to chill out, that they stopped reading the news since it’s all sounds like dystopian fiction and that the levels of stress that I willingly spark in myself are as high as the levels of pollution that the new administration are willing to allow,” said Scobelli, who has slowly been transforming into a giant, sentient puddle of salt water. “What they don’t understand is that I want to log out. I want to be free, but who knows what I'll miss. Trump might ban people not named Donald from the country, or performing in SNL could become a federal crime, or Sean Spicer might order an invasion into the Dipping Dots factory. I can't be the only one to be left out of the loop.”