I Learned 8 Business Words and Now I Run Google

It all started during my last semester at FSU as an English major. I had just left a lecture on how memes are the future when I passed the College of Business. I sat down outside and ate a smushed backpack granola bar and listened to the throng of business majors networking. They said things like, “... counterproductive to overhead reduction policy…” and “... who is that sweaty boy eating oats alone?” After hearing a few dudes in ill-fitting sports coats misquote Malcolm Gladwell books, I approached them and started saying words like “team-building” and “analysis.” I asked them to add me on LinkedIn as a joke and walked away snickering, having totally fucking pranked ‘em.

Two days later, I got a message from Jacob, one of the guys I networked with. He told me his uncle worked for Google and needed to fill a position, and that I was perfect for the job. When I flew out to see what the position was, they made me CEO.

At first I was afraid I would crash and burn in a single day, but as I walked around the colorful Googleplex, I noticed things that began to set me at ease. One programmer was writing the words “EROTIC BING FAN ART” on a Smart Board, and I saw an intern passed out on a bean bag chair with forties duct-taped to their hands. At our first board meeting, I entered the room through a door so small you have to crawl through it. When the board asked what we were going to focus on this quarter, I simply told them to “cook them books” and “crunch the numbers.” I avoided more complicated lines of questioning by shouting into a Bluetooth headset at an assistant named Sheila who does not exist.

It’s been 3 months since I was made CEO and honestly, I’m fucking crushing it. I told the Android team to “pump up the vectors” and there was a 34% increase in overall productivity. All I had to do last week was hand a group of tense programmers a Bop-It Extreme and whisper “synergize” at them. When I looked around the office yesterday and saw grown-ass adults sliding into their cubicles and putting Baja Blast in a French press, I realized that my English degree had actually prepared me for this perfectly.