Yoga Club Spells Out SOS Message, Here’s What We Know

FSU Yoga Club recently took a retreat to a sunny lakeside to realign their chakras and talk about their gluten intolerances. Following a hypnotizing downward dog pose on the first day, it is reported that Yoga Club president Rainbow McWind unconsciously got up and guzzled down the club’s entire food supply of 15 bottles of essential oil mat spray. The club realized they had to act quickly and not panic, so after an 80 minute paddleboard yoga workshop to calm their nerves, the club used their body temples as a means of communication to spell out what we think is a cry for help.

One Yoga Club member who had to stay home to tend to her pubic hair garden, Meadow Sunshinington, pointed out, “My years-long research attempting to communicate with my succulent collection and re-watching Eat, Pray, Love concluded that humans are unlike plants in that they cannot get nutrients solely from the sun. Without food for the whole weekend, the FSU Yoga Club is in trouble.” After calling McWind’s solar-powered cell phone to find out directly what was going on, McWind replied laughing, “Oh, that picture? We were spelling out ‘love!’ That’s so sweet of you to worry, but everything is fine,” before she was immediately hung up on by Sunshinington, who grabbed a baseball bat to “hunt down the fuckers that are keeping them hostage.”

While it is important to find out FSU Yoga Club’s location and to save them from any kind of danger they may be in, investigative reports have come to find something even more crucial to the story: finding out which one of these dang raw vegans decided tree pose would make an accurate representation of an exclamation point. “I was buying it at first, but the random leg out to the side ruined any chances of their message being decoded” said a particularly fuzzy FSU Yoga Instagram follower, Yoga Bear. “If they get eaten by bears in the woods, they probably deserve it for that rookie mistake.”

Although the recent Google search spikes in “coconut water in bulk” and “how to realign your chakras after trauma” have led us to believe that FSU Yoga Club is home and safe with absolutely no problems, we’re still suspicious after finding this photo of them, clearly spelling out “We are lying. Someone was decapitated...” while doing acro-yoga on Landis Green. Stay woke.

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