After a full month of uninterrupted exposure to rose bouquets and heart-shaped balloons at every corner, sophomore Dart Gilliam still somehow managed to forget the wondrous holiday invented to make even the most loveable people feel worthless. Despite every market in America acting as his own personal reminder to do something special for his boyfriend, Gilliam woke up today without even a romantic gesture ready for his special someone. He assured those around him that he totally would’ve remembered Valentine's Day had someone just reminded him.
“I have a lot going on in my life right now. It’s just so easy to forget when you’re as busy as I am,” argued Gilliam as he tried to not get lost in the jungle of inflated pink hearts while dodging paper cuts from thousands of love cards being used as ninja stars in the card aisle at Publix. “I just wish someone were nice enough to give me a simple little reminder, I totally would’ve remembered then.” Gilliam then stepped over a mountain of heart shaped chocolates blocking his path to the door, narrowly avoiding frostbite as he reached its peak. He went on to make up another excuse as to why he forgot by totally pwning the idea of consumerism on Valentine's day when he explained, “Valentine's Day is a religious holiday anyway. We should be showing our respect by praying to the holy guys up in the sky. You know, the baby in the diaper with arrows and Freddie Mercury. We shouldn’t desecrate this day by showering people in chocolate, or love or even just general respect if you ask me.”
When asked about their advertising campaign created to boost Publix’s Valentine's product sales, advertising manager Jeff Broden shared the top secret reality of any Valentine’s Day campaign: “Businesses have shifted their focus from making sales to instead just getting in oblivious significant others’ faces a full month in advance so that they don’t forget again,” He explained. “We have to get more absurd with our products every year, because no matter how flashy we get, people still seem to forget.” Broden gestured to the huge arc of red, white and pink balloons and wobbly shelves holding oversized teddy bears overhead, in the hopes they’ll fall and suffocate consumers because that’s the only technique they haven’t tried so far.
“Honestly, I should have seen this coming,” sighed Gilliam’s boyfriend of 3 years, Robert Sanchez, waiting for Gilliam in a red leather BDSM zip up bodysuit with LED lights, a bird feeder and a mini guillotine built in the groin for extra support. “It’s fine though, I mean, it’s not like I really prepared that much either.” He then blew out the 1,095 tea lights he had set up to represent how many days that had been dating and swept the rose pedals that spelled out ‘I love you’ under the bed.
Image Credit: Chivas Sandage