Toe to Receive Bachelor’s Degree in Finding Furniture
With graduation less than a month away, Florida State University has broken the Guinness world record for most people exhibiting the acute stress response simultaneously. College students are pissing their pants at an alarming rate and no longer register when adults ask them, “So what’re you doing after graduation?” Such behaviors are clear signs of bladder relaxation and auditory exclusion that the stress response entails. One student, however, has not been affected by this mass fight-or-flight reaction, mainly due to her lack of bladder, ears and a nervous system. This student is real-life big toe and Finding Furniture major, Toeri Cidnerella.
“My mom is really proud of me. I’m the first in my family to amass this many digits in debt due to rising tuition rates and decreased state funding for post-secondary education,” said Cidnerella as she thumbed through a six hundred dollar textbook entitled ‘Couch Finding in Toe-tal Darkness.’ “College felt like a four-year footrace at times, but it was here that I found my true passion and calling.”
Cidnerella started her college career as an Interior Design major on a pre-med track. It was soon clear to friends that Cidnerella was not fulfilled by her classes. “Toeri showed a real knack for finding things, and an intense dislike for science. She would even skip her chemistry labs just to go geocaching,” said middle finger Ashley Bird, Cidnerella’s friend and a master’s student in the History of Digital Sex department. “Toeri denied her dislike for pre-med. But, like, she hates biology, anatomy, chemistry, blood and hospitals. I’m just saying, if the shoe fits, wear it.”
Cidnerella has secured an internship post graduation with the police department in their K-9 drug unit. “For dogs that are so talented at finding pot, they’re not that great at finding actual pots. They know all about toking, but nothin’ ‘bout the toe king. It’ll be an honor to train them in my craft,” said Cidnerella. The precocious dactyl is hoping to return to school in 2018 to pursue a master’s at Florida State’s Stub School of Table Leg Location.