Desperate Senior Accepts Internship from Campus Birds

TALLAHASSEE -- FSU Senior Rachel Downing has been hunting for a summer internship for a few months now. After failing an Introduction to Poetry class last semester, Downing kicked their search into high gear with graduation in sight.       

Rachel’s application to the Portland Meme Factory yielded no serious response and their correspondence with Petting Dogs LLC in Brooklyn fell silent after Downing let it slip that they’ve never seen Homeward Bound. Just when their prospects looked bleakest, Downing received an internship offer from one of the university’s oldest, most prestigious organizations: birds.

“I was sitting outside the William Johnston Building feeling dejected when a white gull approached me with a contract. It was written in a Louisiana dialect of chicken-scratch but I could make out the word ‘internship’ so I just signed it.” said Downing, who has a minor in Bird Linguistics. “Then I followed the gull to a large nest behind the Meteorology building, which is where I get my orders now.”

Downing’s tasks were simple at first. The birds in charge of the internship asked Rachel to fetch them worms, errant french fries or ants to snack on. “I’d get up early in the morning to grunt for worms and dig through trash for colorful bits to decorate the nest with.” said Downing. “The internship is unpaid, but the birds have been teaching me how to fly and harass toddlers with balloons so it’s a great resume builder.”

While Downing seems to be enjoying their internship, their friends have expressed concern over their mental health. “We invited them out to brunch Sunday and they ordered ‘sun-dried carrion’.” said Thomas Ginsberg, a friend of Downing’s. “They also changed their tinder bio to ‘JUST MOLTED & READY TO GET BOLTED’ followed by eight egg emojis.” One friend witnessed Downing with a gaggle of Canadian Geese shitting all around an apartment pool and making crude gestures at staff and police.

Rachel Downing will graduate in the Fall and hopes their experience this summer with help them network their way to a marketing position with a mammalian or perhaps even human organization. In the meantime, you can join their flock on LinkedIn.