After wasting multiple semesters’ financial aid refunds on penis enlargement pills and hand-shrinking potions, local disappointment and all-around shitstain Joseph Foster finally has something that is truly “too big to fit.” Much to the annoyance of his roommate, who “just wants a peaceful night where I don’t hear Joey cry-masturbate for once,” Foster threw a “massive rager, brah” in their 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom apartment last Friday.
“I knew the party was going to be somewhat sketchy when I saw the Pelarulo Properties sign. Their Google reviews average -1.2 stars and everyone complained about how small the apartments actually are,” said Foster’s ex-Tinder match Tanya Peterson, still sweaty and breathless from being in a 1,300 square foot apartment with all 40,000 of Florida State’s students, booze and Pelarulo Properties’ complimentary swath of cockroaches. “But I wasn’t expecting it to be so packed. Joseph told me that the party would be huge, but considering he also said that about his dick as an excuse to not wear a condom when we tried to hook up, I didn’t believe him.”
“I invited everyone on my friends list and even bought ad-space on BlackBoard,” Foster explained, taking down the boxes of Magnum condoms he used as decoration, interspersed between empty bottles of Smirnoff Ice above his cabinets. “I charged everyone $5 for the keg of lukewarm PBR that tapped out in 30 minutes. I even charged the girls since the Women’s March was the next day. Hashtag equality, right? Also, I just really needed the cash.”
Foster has been periodically throwing away unused Magnum condoms since freshman year to maintain the facade of being a big-dick fuckwad who has sex, instead of the standard-issue fuckwad he truly is. “Honestly, that’s why I wear basketball shorts all the time - that and my mom hasn’t been back in town to do my laundry in a month,” said Foster, “accidentally” posting shirtless selfies on his Instagram story to the beat of his newest SoundCloud single, which sampled his own moans auto-tuned to a higher pitch. “I don’t actually work out, but when I wear these shorts I create the illusion that I’m not stressed by my inability to meet the damaging standards of hypermasculinity perpetuated in this sociopolitical hellscape.”
Veritas Jackson, another one of Foster’s ex-partners who attended the Friday night affair, is known for her fact-checking tendencies. “When that douchebag told me he was ‘too big to fit,’ I whipped out a condom of my own. His dick looked like a baby carrot in a Publix bag,” said Jackson as she submitted another rumor to Snopes. “And okay, his party was actually ‘too big to fit’ in his overpriced, dinky apartment, but that’s literally every party I’ve gone to at FSU. And it ended just like all of our sexual encounters; ridiculously early and everyone left disappointed.”