Aries: Your Racist Classmates Aries is the first of the zodiac signs. These talkative and self-oriented folks tend to be impulsive and usually don’t think before they speak.

As the semester gets into full swing, many newer students are leaving behind their bad habits of last semester for happier, healthier lives this spring. Amongst these students is freshman Will Bailey, who spent all of Wednesday debating whether he would like to keep eating garbage at Fresh Foods, or switch things up a little and start eating garbage at Suwannee.

A new study conducted by top researchers at Florida State University in conjunction with your really disgusted suitemates has found that the music playing and shower going is fooling no one. They definitely know you’re pooping.

Florida State students could not believe their eyes when Jack Lansing strutted into his 9 A.M. lecture with nothing but a pen in his hand and a leather jacket slung over his right shoulder. Armed with a false sense of confidence based solely on his amount of Tinder super likes, Lansing knew nothing in class would be important enough for him to need something to write it on, but he should at least bring a pen for any ladies that might want to take down his number.

Students at Florida State are not quite sure if their advisors exist. After e-mailing her advisor and then later trying to meet with her in person, student Valerie Manning was still unable to talk to someone about her classes.

After wrapping up a restful winter break in their respective hometowns, most members of the “Tally Frandz ;)” GroupMe have returned to school refreshed, reenergized and ready to brutally exile sophomore Alec Wellington from all friend activities for the remainder of their time at Florida State.

With finals wrapping up and the start of winter break, FSU students are now beginning the riveting car rides back home consisting of “no I totally do not have to pee” reassurances and keeping your cool about not playing “I Spy” because you’re an adult now.

Your parents began work early Monday morning transforming their luxurious coital lair back into your boring old bedroom. Your mother lamented the passing of time as she began to take down the plentiful dildos lining the walls of your room.

As the fall semester comes to a close, many Florida students are making preparations for their future, from applying for internships, to spiraling into a black hole of self doubt, to practicing the speech they will give their loved ones explaining how they failed yet another baby bio class.

1. Backgammon.

Back in the day, the REAL ragers were when everyone would drink warm milk and play backgammon while Louis Armstrong played on vinyl. “Pregame” was the 10 minutes spent heating your milk on a cast iron parlor stove before the backgammon match.