Smith Hall Receives Largest Mold Donation in State History


Not to be outdone by a measly $100 million donation to Florida State’s entrepreneurship program by the Jim Moran Foundation last month, Florida State’s own University Housing has announced the single largest donation of mold in state history to the lucky residents of Smith Hall. In response to the news, RAs and students alike who live in the sole community-style dorm left on campus were breathless, partially due to the thrill of the announcement, but primarily because of upper respiratory infections that are often caused by the fungus. “I really don’t know what to say. This is the luckiest day for me since I submitted my housing contract and got the highest priority number of anyone I talked to!” said 6th floor Smith Hall resident Amber Willis as she reached for her inhaler. “At this rate, I’ll win the Powerball jackpot and almost be able to afford a studio apartment at those douchey complexes in Collegetown… almost!”

Others weren’t quite as able to express their excitement over the announcement. “I’m just glad… I was able… to witness… recognition of what I’ve been through…” wheezed third floor Resident Assistant Kiara White, who is entering her second year as both an RA in Smith and an asthmatic. “Maybe someday… I’ll be able… to leave this twin XL coffin… and make some hall event… my residents can ignore….”

Florida State President John Thrasher chooses to wear the health hazard as badge of honor. “I’m not too surprised we received such a generous donation of mold. It was only a matter of time, considering I’m such a fun-guy!” President Thrasher said, chuckling to himself over a riveting game of mancala. After calming down, he muttered, “Alright, time to get back to what really matters: updating all of the vending machines!”