Shane Just Doesn’t Understand Why Everybody Won’t Go Out This Week


Florida State student Shane Sage has been hitting up his crew nonstop this week but cannot seem to find anyone to turn up with him. His closest friend and trusted confidante Durg Boomer finally took a break from Orgo to remind Shane that everyone, including him has finals this week and that pregaming in his dorm room before grinding on girls who definitely won’t hook up with him but will let him buy them several drinks with his fake ID is not the best use of his time, at least not this week. “Okay, I’m not dumb. I obviously know it’s finals week because someone sent a slutty finals week forward message in our pledge class group chat,” explained Shane as he moved his Baby Bio book to reveal a Minions themed coloring book that clearly got more use this semester than any of his real textbooks. “I mean, I guess I get it but like I already have an internship with my dad’s golf tee packaging company over the summer so I’m not that worried about like straight A’s or something stupid like that.”

“Taz and I have definitely been a little pissed at Shane this week because he knows we’ve been working our asses off to maintain our impeccable grade point averages. But he won’t stop asking us to ‘take some Tinderellas to The Palace’ with him,” confided Durg and he’s not alone in his concerns. “He just doesn't understand hard work and dedication,” whispered Taz, Shane’s second closest friend who has always been a little jealous of Durg’s first place position but only jealous enough to sub-Yak about it. ”It’s this same kind of dedication-lack we all know will keep him from ever benching over 200. He just doesn’t have what it takes.”

Instead of going out alone, Shane’s decided to use this week for a bit of Shane-time. It’s only Wednesday and Shane’s already taken up crocheting, having just finished a beanie originally meant for himself, which he’s now thinking would make an even better Christmas present for his little sister’s American Girl doll. Shane’s also started rewatching all the Star Wars movies while he crochets to hype himself up before the new one comes out. “All this free time this week has really been a blessing,” said Shane as he texted his dad a link to the Force Awakens trailer with a bunch of excited emojis. “I’m still not gonna study for my finals though. Fuck that.”