Racist Students Across Nation Gently Reminded Entire Campus is a White Student Union


In another instance of privileged people wilding since the dawn of time, unofficial White Student Union Facebook pages have been surfacing across the World White Web this month. Apparently unsatisfied that only 95% of history course content focuses on the plight of white, some paler-looking students have been voicing concerns about representation at their Predominantly White Institutions, forgetting that their entire university is, at its core, a White Student Union. “Just because I have never been disadvantaged because of the color of my skin, my gender or my sexual orientation doesn’t mean I don’t know what it feels like to be discriminated against,” said Jeff Schultz, founder of New York University’s White Student Union and firm believer that the current season of South Park is one of the greatest social commentaries of all time. “Last week I was told reverse racism isn’t real, yet I was ALWAYS picked last for basketball in gym class, and just yesterday somebody called me a ‘vanilla milkshake.’”

Students who weren’t raised in a barn have been outwardly opposing these Facebook groups. “That doesn’t seem right,” argued cool white Tim. “Something about this seems bad.” Tim was later awarded the Human Rights Medallion for his revolutionary, never-before-heard take on race relations.

In the few weeks since the creation of the page, Schultz has announced a number of events meant to commemorate white achievements. These include trying to get your dad to represent your friend who got busted for selling Adderall, a McRib-eating contest and re-watching the Friends intro until everybody gets the claps right. Unprompted, Schultz added, “I know this ‘better WSU’ is in its early stages, but if being white has taught me anything, it’s that whatever I create will be unreasonably more successful and well-received than anything created by a person of color.”