Local Students Begin Casually Texting Old Hook Ups, Weed Dealers to Prep for Winter Break


As the fall semester comes to a close, many Florida students are making preparations for their future, from applying for internships, to spiraling into a black hole of self doubt, to practicing the speech they will give their loved ones explaining how they failed yet another baby bio class. However, as many in the student body take steps to become productive members of society, others are taking the final weeks of the semester to solidify their future in different ways - making sure they get stoned and boned this holiday season. “You don’t want to seem like a bad guy and text your old hook up the night you get back into town. That would be douchey,” said FSU Criminology major and premium Tinder user Tim Thomas. “Instead, I start texting my hometown punani a few weeks in advance, asking about their semesters and their families and if they have a boyfriend and if that’s an automatic dealbreaker. We Theta Chi’s are known for being gentlemen, so.”

For other college students, going home for the holidays can present more headaches than just finding someone to get a dry hand job from in their childhood bedroom.“I have to get high before Christmas dinner, or there’s no telling what I’ll do to the first relative who says ‘all lives matter,’” said Michelle Simmons, another FSU student. “The problem is, I haven’t spoken to my weed dealer since the last winter break and he’s really sensitive about people using him, which as a Psych major I totally get. So I’ve been strategically liking his Instagram pictures of his new ***DANK PURPLE GOOD GOOD*** and sent him a Snapchat saying ‘Ugh packing for home sucks.’ I think he’ll get the picture.”