Your Parents’ Sex Den To Be Turned Back Into Your Room For Winter Break


Your parents began work early Monday morning transforming their luxurious coital lair back into your boring old bedroom. Your mother lamented the passing of time as she began to take down the plentiful dildos lining the walls of your room. After that, she began the long process of steam cleaning the carpet to get rid of the semen, pleasure oil and oatmeal stains. Your father began to sadly disassemble the brimping station and made sure to clear the room of all of their porn DVD’s: straight porn, gay porn, alien porn. Your father, looking despondent while wiping down the sex swing that doubles as that chair you like to play video games in, was consoled by your mother who referred to him by his sex name: Lieutenant Fuckbeast. Cheered up by this, your less imaginative father replied, “Thanks, Mrs. Fun Sex Lady.”

In response to you asking why your headboard was so sticky and why all of the towels and shirts you left at home can stand up on their own, your sex-positive feminist sister said, “I’m happy for Mom and Dad. I’m proud of them for keeping the spice in the - specifically your - bedroom. Sex is important and healthy, don’t you know?” She tightened her grip on her signed copy of Gender Trouble and refreshed Jezebel while adding, “Plus, it’s way better than reading that book Fifty Shades of Misogyny.

Upon coming home for break you noticed that what you thought was a coat hanger is definitely a bizarrely shaped dildo, but you ignored it, because, well, at least your parents are happy.