Student Increases Productivity By Rescheduling Finals Week Breakdown to Today


Starting off strong, sophomore Lewis Anderson began preparing for his final exams by getting a head start on his inevitable breakdown. Rather than trying to avoid it, Anderson decided to dive in headfirst by spending his Tuesday morning laying in his bathtub and crying into a lukewarm Hot Pocket. “I realized that there was no way for me to avoid it,” articulated Anderson to a classroom of students all wearing grey sweatpants and oversized sweatshirts stained with Cheeto dust. “That’s where Finals Prep Week comes in. Get all your crying and existential crises out of the way now, and you’ll be as ‘refreshed’ as one can possibly be, come the real finals week.”

When questioned, university officials reiterated that the assortment of red flags is all part of the ‘kooky college kid culture’ that everybody knows and loves. “Nothing says ‘college is fun’ like spending the last week of your semester pretending that not sleeping, cracking out on caffeine, and pushing yourself to and past your mental brink is normal,” announced FSU President John Thrasher. “I would know, ever since I was bitten by that beetle during my tenure as a forest dweller, I haven’t slept a wink and look at how fun I am!”

“You’ve just gotta succumb to it,” concluded Anderson as he wrapped himself into a blanket cocoon. “Just let it happen, it’s inevitable, who gives a shit, I can memorize a semester’s worth of biochem tomorrow, college isn’t about learning anymore, it’s about meaningless grades, nothing means anything, here we go!”