Aries: Your Racist Classmates Aries is the first of the zodiac signs. These talkative and self-oriented folks tend to be impulsive and usually don’t think before they speak. They will go on and on about how “all lives matter” and try to convince you that minorities are stealing all of the scholarships because of “reverse racism.” However, their Ted Cruz rhetoric fails to acknowledge that it’s their second semester on major probation so a scholarship isn’t aligned in their stars anyway. Aries are outspoken and will fight for their causes, even if their argument is not based off of reason or facts. The only thing they are useful for is getting a professor to push a deadline back for an assignment or harassing the turtle-people of Strozier to hurry the fuck up when swiping in.
Taurus: Sports Culture
Rah, rah! Taurus, the Bull, is an Earth sign and is stubborn like OJ Simpson about admitting to first degree murder. This sign is powerful and skilled; you will see them trying to juke anyone who crosses paths with them at Fresh Foods to show how sporty they are. It’s like we get it, you’re an athlete! Who cares, we’re all cogs in the shit machinery of academia. Taurus’ need for dominance matched with their love of materialism explains why you will always catch them in their Nike-sponsored athletic shorts even in sub-zero temperatures. Taurus men like to have you do butt stuff to them then whisper “no homo” into your ear with their protein shake breath.
Gemini: Hoverboard Explosions
Gemini people have many sides to them. Although they seem put-together and helpful, DO NOT BE FOOLED. Geminis are the most devious, unreliable and flighty of them all. It’s like, you think your new present from the holidays is just an edgy, alternative way to get to class. Beep. Boop. Before you know it, you’re realizing you asked your Aunt Gertrude to buy you an actual $400 explosion device. Congratulations, you played yourself.
Cancer: Fuckboy You Met at The Strip Who Won’t Stop Texting You
First, you’re getting your freak on. Next, you’re a drunken dry hump away from gaining a new number one fan. A one night stand isn’t enough for the fragile Cancer. He will probably text you “wyd ;)” in the wee hours of every morning. Attached will probably be an unsolicited dick pic from his Android, with the quality of a photograph that looks like it’s been dragged through the bathrooms of The Strip itself. They are needy, so even ignoring their texts won’t resolve your problem. Good luck, fam!
Leo: Charming, Misogynistic Frat Culture
Leos have large, fragile egos that they like to hide with elaborate hazing rituals and large confederate flags. Leos are lions, a symbol they paint with the underwear color of the girl they most recently deflowered. Endearing!
The Virgo constantly needs to organize. Whether it’s a backpack, Yeti cooler or vape pen, it must and will be monogrammed. How else will they be able to tell that it’s theirs? Really makes you think. Virgos always have the best intentions; it’s not like they mean to put their possessions in your face. They simply cherish the quaint art of mass-produced logos.
Libra: A White Girl Tailgating in a Headdress
Putting themselves in other people’s shoes is a primary trait of the Libra. Sometimes they take it too far and actually end up disrespecting the other person by appropriating their culture--they’ll do anything it takes for the aesthetic. Libras are constantly making a brouhaha about how they look, those damn narcissistic millennials.
Scorpio: Getting Lectured by Your Roommate Who’s an Exercise Science Major
Obsessive about their diet and lifestyle habits, Scorpios will always give you side-eye while you’re making food. Do not be surprised if they interrogate you about why you’re eating Ramen for the 4th night in a row. He’ll probably be all, “It’s all empty calories and sodium, dude, love yourself!” Take it all in stride though, these intense scorpions don’t know about the 10-page paper you have due by the end of the week. They don’t want you eating Ramen noodles.
Sagittarius: Flip Flops and Jeans
Good things seem to always happen to the Sagittarius, but somehow the stars failed to sprinkle some of this luck onto their fashion sense. Sagis will wear jeans and flip flops all day, week, month, year and century. It’s no use trying to convince them to explore different shoewear, they’re already convinced all their good fortune is a result of the mystic energy emanating from their free, open toesies.
Capricorn: Dropping Your Lava Cake at Chili’s
Ever-ambitious and always pursuing what they need to feel like they live a rich, full life. The Capricorn will order a molten lava cake from Chili’s only to end up dropping it on accident. Gifted with an extreme sense of patience, they can handle the delayed gratification of ordering another one.
Aquarius: Chucking Your Friends in The Fountain
Peace. Namaste. Live, laugh, love. Aquarius’ live by these rules, being the free-spirited water sign they are. They will always dunk your ass in the fountain with gusto, to give you a taste of that sweet zest for life. God bless ‘em, those angels.
Pisces: Pulling Long Hairs Out of Your Butt in the Shower
Pisces is the sign of the unknown and mystic. Somehow, they have an intuitive ability to know when there is a long piece of hair in their butt. They pull it out in the shower to avoid the reality of struggle and suffering in the world.