After the embarrassing, soul-crushing, absolutely devastating defeat the Gators suffered at the hands of the Seminoles last night, University of Florida students spent even more time mourning than they normally do after they wake up and remember that they’re still in Gainesville. As a result of the morning-after realization that for once in their lives, UF students will have to take responsibility for their actions, administration has announced that they will be implementing a mandatory class for all students next week on the special topic “How to Pretend You Don’t Care,” in order to prepare them to hang out with people who don’t know what it’s like to lose on their home turf over winter break. “Like so many other people who don’t even attend or have any personal connection to UF, I feel the pain of a Gator loss deep in my bowels,” said that one football player who pooped his pants on live TV. “But the number one thing that playing for the number 18 team in the nation has taught me is that no loss is too big to come back from, and also that it’s never too late to be potty-trained.”
The course will cover a wide range of topics, including songs to secretly cry yourself to sleep to, remembering Tim Tebow and a full day on the topic of “College Football and Morality: We’re All Garbage!” Students will also spend an hour each day meditating to a dramatic reading of their acceptance letters by Marco Rubio and extra credit will be offered to those who dual enroll in statistics.
“Many of these whiners have never dealt with loss, so we chose to teach them the way that the best, most successful type of people respond to hardship: deflect!” Said UF president Kent “It’s a long ‘U’” Fuchs. “The important thing to remember is that we as a university can never stoop as low as FSU. So as long as we don’t do something like recruit their back-up quarterback who got dismissed from their team after a video leaked of him punching a girl in the face at a bar, then we should be fine.”