Freshman with Unlimited Garbage Plan Unsure Whether to Eat Garbage at Suwannee or Fresh Foods


As the semester gets into full swing, many newer students are leaving behind their bad habits of last semester for happier, healthier lives this spring. Amongst these students is freshman Will Bailey, who spent all of Wednesday debating whether he would like to keep eating garbage at Fresh Foods, or switch things up a little and start eating garbage at Suwannee. “I just am at a loss here,” explained Bailey as he munched on some crackers from his roommate who just returned from eating garbage at Suwannee. “I mean, if I had even a dollar right now I would go somewhere else to eat. But I spent every dime to my name in the underground black market for after hours to-go boxes from Figg, and now I have to pick a different dining hall.” 

Bailey has been laboring over a pros and cons list for some time now, listing “garbage” as both a pro and a con for both Suwannee and Fresh Foods. “I get sick every time I eat garbage at Fresh Foods. I straight diarruined the toilet(s) on my floor at the end of last semester and three members of the cleaning staff died horrible, ugly deaths trying to tidy it up before the break. I’ve only gotten sick after eating Suwannee garbage eight times. Also though, I’ve only been to Suwannee four times, so those are not exactly great odds.”

“We here at FSU pride ourselves on our commitment to student services,” said President John Thrasher in an an email response to Bailey's dining hall complaint. “This isn’t just any garbage we’re giving to students, this garbage is almost good enough for prisoners in some states. Almost. But more importantly, I feel for how hard this must be for you, so we would like to add $300 to your GarbageBucks account which should be enough to get you garbage from the union for about a week or two.”