In a night described by an over-neoned flier as “a chance to live like Kings,” Tallahassee's hottest club Coliseum will be celebrating Martin Luther King Jr. Day tonight by charging a $15 cover to grind on a stranger’s half-boner while a remixed version of the Oscar-nominated film Selma (ft. Diplo) plays in the background. “What I think a lot of people don’t realize is that this long weekend is about so much more than getting guiltlessly shit-faced on the Lord’s Day,” remarked sophomore Colleen Pollack as she Instagram’ed a selfie of her kissing a box of Franzia captioned with an overused DJ Khaled quote. “It’s actually a really important holiday to celebrate the activist Dr. Marvin Luther King Jr., a man whose brave Civil Rights efforts I, as a woke millennial, am completely aware of and will post about on Facebook to prove it.”
The event doesn’t officially start until 10 PM, but crowds of students have already begun tailgating in the Coliseum/CVS parking lot, entertained by a subgroup of the FSU dance team who call themselves “The Malcolm XXXers.”
“I just want to make it clear that we did not sponsor this event and have had absolutely nothing to do with it,” clarified the president of the Black Student Union. “I mean, I guess it’s cool that Coliseum is trying to do something for MLK Day, but if anybody is interested in respectfully celebrating Dr. King they could walk in the Tallahassee NAACP’s Freedom March tomorrow, or read “Letter from Birmingham Jail” or something. Just do literally anything that is not attending this event."